Kitty Powers, Match Making Meows!

Are you struggling to find true love? Awkward at making conversation on dates? Well, have I the dating simulator for you. No, really! It involves wacky topics and embarrassing situations, just like life. Not mention repercussions. If you lie a lot or only have shallow details in common, you'll end up all alone. And not a Japanese high school in sight. Let's get this love ship a' sailing!

If you are an avid fan of watching people play video games on youtube, no doubt you've seen the title Kitty Powers Match Maker before. It is a casual game that involves matching clients with dates. Simple really.

What makes it so appealing?

Kitty Powers herself! Haha, well she does really add something special to this game. Her adorable pink personality shines through at every corner. She is one of my favorite drag queens, I have quite a list too. Video game drag just speaks to me; I will have to make that White Mage costume sometime. If I forget to mention something, remember, in-game, Kitty is there for you every step of the way. I love her! Bullet list time.

• Easy peasy to play
• Smooth soundtrack
• Addicting achievements, seriously
• Mini GAMES!
• Custom character creation
• Plethora of personalities
• $$$$
• Letters
• Kitty Powers, mew!

Aight, let's kick things off with the gameplay. As stated above, this is a very easy game to get into. The tutorial is simple to follow and doesn't take much time. Nothing worse than a dragged out forever never ending tutorial, eh Twilight Princess?

After loading the game, you make your very own character in Kitty Powers. The purpose of this is to have you somewhat familiar with personality types and preferences. You design your character, pick your category, I went with geeky, and then take a little quiz. 

Note: If you have other friends who play the game on steam, or whatever platform you're using, you will soon see your friends as potential clients or dates. Set them up with true romance or give them someone really nasty!

The controls consist of clicking your mouse on the screen. You can use the number pad if you're playing on the computer to enter numbers in a few mini games. For the most part though, it is click based. It's a nice change of pace. I mean, I love ESO, but like any MMO you need all your focus on your keyboard, plus mouse. For my brain dead mind after a day of work, just left clicking is soothing.

The goal of the game is to have a successful dating agency. You are helping to run a small dating outpost for Kitty Powers. By making strong matches, you're able to gain promotions and a reputation as a great match maker. But, if you lose clients or they end their relationship later, you lose your good name. A good rep means more money earned per date.

Clients and their potential dates have star ratings. They range from one star to VIP four star. Once you've become more affluent, you'll be able to match VIPS. But, they are picky sons' of bitches and will scorch you if they don't have their way.

Dates consist of pulling the love handle three times as well as two mini games. The love handle is a slot machine where you pick which topic your client will discuss with their date. In the beginning, the conversation topics are limited to outward appearance, horoscopes, weather, and interests. 

C'est un grand pilon au vin!

At the beginning of the date, you must always choose a food dish for your client's date. Their date will describe the type of food they want. From there, you pick. There are always five options and in some of the easier restaurants, you often have two correct choices. As the difficulty increases, the choices become more foreign, literally. Just wait until Sweden. 

You have to be careful when choosing dates for your client. Their type will greatly influence how they feel about certain topics. For instance, if your client likes drag queens, minimalist art, and making fancy hats, they are an Arty type. They have no interest in eating caviar and business meetings, both Chic traits. 

If your client screws up on the date, they'll receive an X. Three Xs and you're out! Well more like in the dustbin. Your client will also receive a broken heart. They will leave the agency if they have three broken hearts. Thus, choose carefully.

Quick Tip: If your client has a low star rating, try to pair them with someone of a similar level. You have a better chance of matching them, even if they don't match up perfectly. Lower stars means they are less fussy with their dates. They can handle more difference. Watch out for VIPs!

Before I finish here, let's go over the mini games. I've provided a few tips that may help you avoid any nasty Xs. If you like, simply skip to the next paragraph, this is really a guide area.

Story Time - Memory

• Find a match in order to tell a great story
• Three tries
• Cheating, extra try
• Tip, start in a corner and work your way through a row or column. That way you'll remember where each picture is easily.

Go bananas, go go bananas

Dessert Cart - Memory

• Remember the order of the desserts
• One try
• Cheat, eliminates one option
• Tip, say the name of the dessert out loud as they pass by. Or, record the dessert cart with your phone's camera.

Tip the Waiter - Arithmetic 

• Pick the right amount of tip based on the percentage
• One try
• Cheat, eliminates an option
• Tip, remember that moving the decimal point over to the left one unit divides a number by ten. Or just use a calculator T_T

Careful not to poop!

Clench the Fart - Higher or Lower

• Guess whether the next card is higher or lower
• One try
• Cheat, passes you on one card
• Tip, the Ace is both high and low, either guess will be correct. Otherwise, just luck and probability.

It's never aroma, never

Compliment the Chef - Memory

• Remember the pattern of words that become illuminated
• One try
• Cheat, see the pattern again
• Tip, move your mouse over the words and say them out loud. This helps both your verbal and physical memory. Or just record pattern with phone, again.

Can it I keep it to the right?

Split the Bill - Panchinko

• Drop a coin down a series of bumpers into one of two slots, Panchinko
• Five to seven tries, depends on difficulty of restaurant
• Cheat, gain an extra coin
• Tip, try to go for a fifty-fifty since you'll more than likely waste a lot of money otherwise. Fifty-fifty won't yield hearts, but then you are safe. My strategy is to dump the coins all at once, this almost guarantees fifty-fifty. 

Oh now he tells me his name, thank Basil!

Which Waiter? - Memory

• Select the correct waiter
• One try
• Cheat, one waiter eliminated, not killed though
• Tip, remember your waiter's nose and hairstyle when ordering food, this often is the key difference in the higher level restaurants.

My bratwurst now bitch!

Spider Attack! - Action

• Squish or spare the spider
• One try
• No cheat
• Tip, this depends on the date's personality. For squishing the spider, click on it when it scuttles towards the date. You're less likely to miss if you're right handed, for left mouse users, other side.

Get her breath too

Something Smells - Timer

• Spray deodorant on your client for a set time
• One try
• Cheat, Kitty tells you if you sprayed too little, just right, or too much
• Tip, count out loud the seconds. Or, use your phone/kitchen timer.

Is he looking at her chest?

Lights Out! - Memory

• From dark silhouettes, pick your client's date
• One try
• Cheat, one is eliminated, killed
• Tip, remember the hairstyle and eye shape of the date. Or have a picture of them at all times on the date, little weird though.

Uh-oh Ex! - Truth or Lie

• Your client's ex stops by
• Pick truth or lie
• Cheat, spin the wheel of misfortune again if your lie did not work
• Tip, this depends on the date's personality. If they are spicy, tell the truth. If not, lie and hope they are convinced!

Prince Ali, mighty is he

Meeting Mr. Manager - Memory

• Introduce the date to the restaurant's manager
• One try
• Cheat, one name is eliminated
• Tip, at the beginning of the date, say your client's date's name out loud with a noun or adjective, like Angus Anus. Or have it written down somewhere.

Oh God, they're one of those Matching couples

Chameleon Date - Memory

• Your client's date will update their look in the bathroom
• One try
• Cheat, one possibility is removed
• Tip, as the date is excusing themselves for the restroom, observe the color of their clothes, hair, and earrings. The later levels use the earrings a lot. Or have a picture of them, weirdo. 

Is that a real number?

Taxi Call - Memory

• Memorize the taxi number that the waiter gives you
• Three tries
• Cheat, see the number again
• Tip, use the number pad. When viewing the number say it out loud several times. Or, take a picture of it.

She was dropped, repeatedly

Selfie! - Action

• Take a selfie of your client and their date together
• One try
• Cheat, have a caption say whether the picture is good, bad, or great
• Tip, reflexes are everything. Your client could go from super happy to cock-eyed in a second. Try to let a second pass before clicking, that way if they are quickly cycling through faces, you won't have accidentally taken a poor picture. Patience is key.

Found you Waldo!

Crowd Spotting - Action

• Find your client's date in a crowd before their phone dies
• Timed one try
• Cheat, have a yellow box appear outlining where the date is
• Tip, CHEAT! Seriously, in the harder restaurants this saves so much time and difficulty. In the easier levels, look for the date's hair and clothing color. It sucks if they are an Artsy type though, all black.

Sucker punch to the pout

Flirt you better do - Rock Paper Scissors

• Play rock paper scissors in order to have your client flirt with their date
• Three tries
• Cheat, see what your client's date is going to do
• Tip, absolutely cheat. Otherwise you are playing blind, like real rock paper scissors. If you don't score two happy faces, the date will not be impressed. For timing your client's move, click on the choice right before the right choice, the delay of one second will have you select the appropriate option.

Five Bad ones, AVOID!

Chocolate Box - Mine Sweeper

• Select three chocolates from a box
• Three tries
• Cheat, chocolate is removed
• Tip, don't cheat, it doesn't always remove the bad ones. Instead, pick a middle chocolate. if there are several bad chocolates touching it, red number, then pick the next chocolate on the other side. The green number signifies the date's favorite chocolate. Only try to find it if red is zero or one.

The mini games are a chance for your client to wow their date. They consist of various dating dilemmas, as Miss Powers puts it. One such example is when your client sees a spider. They have the option to squish it. But, not all people like killing spiders. It depends on your date's personality.

Quick Tip: Some clients will always have the same personality type. Vintage clients will always be traditional. Make sure that they don't have a globe icon next to their name though. A globe icon means that it's someone else's avatar; anything goes with real world people!

There are ten different personalities, yes they are different than types, in the game. They are split into polar opposites. Sometimes, these personalities affect the mini game outcomes, like the spider example above. Time to list the types and the games they affect! Again, if you prefer to skip ahead, click here.

Active/Lazy - Yellow

• Dessert Cart
• Active will always choose a healthier dessert 
• Lazy, bring on the calories!

Methodical/Carefree - Blue

• Spider!
• Carefree will cry if you squish a living thing
• Methodical, KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

Introvert/Extrovert - Green

• Farting Higher or Lower
• Extroverts understand a gassy belly if you accidentally let one rip
• Introverts prefer everything to stay in, including gas

Traditional/Experimental - Purple

• Splitting the Check, Panchinko
• Traditional prefer the client to pay
• Experimental want to foot the bill, just like me!

Spicy/Romantic - Red

• The unwanted Ex
• Spicy personalities don't mind if the client's ex shows up, bygones
• Romantic, yeah exes are no-nos

Personality traits are unlocked as you advance through the game. In order to discover a date's personality, a client must go out with them and ask them questions. The topics are chosen via the Love Handle; all conversation goes through the handle. 

If you run into trouble, conflicting personalities, you can always lie. It's up to chance whether or not your client will evade being caught. The lower their date's star rating, the more likely, but it's still a gamble.

Note: If your client tells one lie, you can still make a good match. Only if their whole relationship is built upon lies should you avoid the match. If all else fails, exit the game before your client is committed to the dustbin. Then it's as if the date never happened.

Besides mini games, the personality traits also affect how your client will react to bad habits. Bad habits are unlocked far later in the game, along with guilty pleasures. While guilty pleasures pertain to the opposite type of your client, a geeky person who loves sequinned dresses for example, the bad habits are personality based. These questions can be asked on the second and third date, not the first; too personal.

They can pick together!

Take someone who likes to belch in public. Their date will need to be extroverted and possibly carefree to be understanding of that bad habit. It's often a good idea to see if your client and their date are accepting of each other's bad habits. If they aren't, it's unlikely that you'll receive a great response later on.

Warning: Bad habits may clash with your own client's personality. For instance, they might be a romantic but love to dance in their undies. This means if their date is also romantic, they will hate their bad habit. 

Enough about personalities, let's type cast people!

• Arty, art, music, poetry, Andy Warhol etc. 
• Chic, think Sex in the City business woman
• Edgy, punk and goth
• Geeky, me (if you can go on about the difference between orcs and dwarves, you're geeky)
• Glam, new Hollywood aka Paris Hilton (or is that middle aged?)
• Hippy, everything is alive and free maaaaaan, Frankie
• Hipster, contradicting interests
• Practical, DIY to the extreme, Tim the tool man Taylor
• Sporty, parkour and cross-fit gym rats
• Vintage, old Hollywood, Meryl Streep (legendary)

You need to lift weights if you want to wear bling.

Some of the types have overlapping interests. Both Arty and Glam personalities enjoy drag queens, as an example. There are over six hundred interests, hot damn!

Unless you keep an excel spreadsheet open while you play, like me, you may want to access this guide for some reference. It's not complete but it may help. Also, if you don't know what something is, google it.

When selecting your client's interests during the date, start from the top and go down. That way, you're less likely to repeat yourself on later dates. Don't lie unless you're trying to unlock the mismatched type achievements. Those don't usually end well in the long run anyways.

Note: As you earn more money, you'll be able to unlock the dates' types in the black book. That way, you'll know if your client's interests will match their date's. This is often done later in the game when you have more money than you could possibly spend. Still, it's an option.

Money! What is money used for? Money is used to unlock new restaurants, the gift shop, the salon, and more. Different restaurants have different difficulties and introduce new mini games when they are unlocked. You can also use your coinage to reveal dish descriptions on each restaurant's menu. This really helps with the more difficult restaurants. I don't speak Swedish but their menu does.

Spot the pretty kitty, mew

Quick Tip: As your client says goodbye to their date, look for a black cat in the background. Click the cat if you see it for extra coin!

Gifts, these little guys are a god send with VIPS. You can buy a gift for your client's date on any of the dates, even the first one. These give extra hearts at the beginning of the date. The more hearts throughout the date, the more likely they will want to keep seeing your client. It's also not a faux pas to buy your client's date the same gift twice, or thrice!

Note: Once you've unlocked the gift shop, clients will send you gifts in the mail along with their letters. This only happens when a client's relationship ended up well. Bad matches never send gifts.

Letters are sent to you after you've made a match. It is the client letting you know how everything turned out. If it was successful, your reputation will go up. If not, oh dear, it drops like an anchor. Success is based upon how well your client and their date truly matched up. 

Do they have common interests? Are their personalities compatible? Do they accept their faults, bad habits, and all? If yes, then happily ever after, and more babies! I need babies for my trophies.

I mentioned that the achievements were addicting, right? I have unlocked everything in Kitty Powers, including all of those lovely trophies. The babies one was the hardest for me. In order for your clients to have kids, they must have an A+ relationship. So many As happened for me, few pluses.

Mawwige, is a wondewful whing

It took awhile but I finally received my fifty babies. I had to learn a lot about how the game works in order to really assess matches. I could tell when I had a B or B+ couple. Sometimes, that's what you have to go with if there are not any other suitable choices. Still, it made me appreciate the hard work it took to make this game simple to play and hard to beat.

Thank you Kitty Powers for giving me, an introverted geek, a game where I can mine sweep chocolates and learn about ethnic dishes. It's great fun and silly all in one. I can't wait to see what Love Life is going to be like. Goodbye kittens!

P.S. If you see a coin or fairy flying across the screen, click it! You'll receive some dough or extra love points.

A Jumpy Halloween Spooktacular

Dear sweet audience, it has been some time since I've posted a blog here on some pixel dust. I apologize for the delay. However, I have a neat treat for you today. Since it is Halloween tomorrow, and the fact that I have been obsessed with Halloween since birth, I decided I should write about a scary game, a game of a spooks and jump scares.

Alright, now as many of you know I'm on Steam and have been for a long time. I try to avoid the Steam sale madness, buying too many games is very very tempting, but enjoy the fact that I can download games from my library to any of my computers without too much trouble. I also borrow from my dad's library from time to time. Steam, if you could do something for me, stop applying so many useless updates if you're never going to fix the bugs in your audio chat rooms. Three times is always the charm with calls.

Anyways, right, so I found this game on Steam, Spooky's House of Jump Scares. It was recommended to me because of my history with Five Night's at Freddie's. It is a jump scare styled game. It is also a game, like Maplestory, that my lil laptop Rikki can handle. Seriously it's less than a GB, around 250 MB I believe; translation, go download it audience. Now, bullet points, in orange:

• Simple controls, no controller necessary
• It's FREE
• Small game that won't use a lot of RAM or take up much memory
• Scares the crap out of you 
• Has a cute lil mascot named Spooky
• Is built on the Minecraft engine, but changes appearance...
• So much fun if you love to scare yourself, like me!
• You may need extra pants, or someone else on the phone for comfort
• Green blobs...

So the game, it is easy to play. The goal is to navigate through all 1,000 rooms in Spooky's mansion. That sounds very daunting but the rooms tend to zip by. The check points are every fifty levels; this is where you can save your progress. You have a health bar that regenerates over time, very slowly. You also have a stamina bar that depletes itself every time you sprint. That damn stamina bar doesn't refill fast enough. I need to run damnit! No room is safe damnit!

Aw, they're so cute! Lil stumps and pumpkins.

At first, the game seems really boring and kind of cute. The "monsters" that scare you are cardboard cut outs that pop out of the wall. However, even those become uncomfortable after awhile. While their appearance might be cute, the sound effects accompanying them are not; glass breaking, piano keys, screeching, all of these are lovely sounds these card board spooks make. 

Oh yes, an interesting fact about this game, it is different each time you play and different for every player. How do I know this? First off, the game description page on Steam states this fact. Second, my brother and I were on Steam chat while we both were playing through this game. I had found rooms he had never seen. Pete found notes that I encountered later or not at all. Even some of the monsters like, oh yeah, let's allow those to be a surprise. Sure, some levels are milestones in the game which activate monster events aka things that chase you. One level is 165. I'm not telling you what's there. You'll have to find out.

So far, I've made it to 300. I've died a couple of times. I've screamed plenty of times. With this game, and jump scare styled titles, I find it more fun to play while interacting with others. Not only does it give you some assurance, hey, fear is powerful, but also allows you to laugh at their screams as well as your own. It's a game; it's meant to be fun, so have fun. 

Audience, I did mention that the rooms, change as you progress, correct? They become more disturbing. The graphics become very disturbing. My advice is, play, avoid the blobs. and push through the red walls. And be careful where you shine your flashlight. 

Before we part, how about a little spooky fact about myself? Ok, it's not actually spooky. More so it's addressing the "relationship" status in my "About Me" section. I have been dealing with this question for years; in fact, since I was twenty-one people have asked me whom I was seeing due to his "gift". Well no more. I've answered truthfully and people just stared. It was a good way to weed out those who shared none of my interests but enough is enough. 

I am surprised that many of you haven't figured it out. I mean, I mention him; I related my character Thor in Skyrim to him; I wear his jewelry every day. I belong with Sauron. It's his ring around my neck. My parents bestowed that gift to me when I was twenty-one. They felt I needed a serious commitment. Now, I'm his ring bearer, forever.

Haha, Disappointed? Too bad. Happy Halloween!

Also a big shot out to my Best Friend Forever Fa Fa, Timmy. Happy Birthday TJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See what I did there? Twenty-four exclamation points.

MapleStory, cuteness overload

Many of you have probably never heard of MapleStory; there's nothing wrong with that, it's a weird game. It's an MMO that is based in the Maple World and includes everything cute known to man. Yhe twist is that the cuteness takes the form of enemies with the sole desire to kill you. Let's make a bullet list on some of the details of Maple World.

• You start off as a blank slate of hero who kills snails for exp. Yes, snails, just like the ones shown above.
• Eventually, you can choose a class; thief, bowman, wizard, warrior, and pirate. There are special classes like Evans, but those are the basic five. 
• Once a class is chosen, you find your master on a specific branch of Victoria Island and begin class specific quests.

Sounds pretty basic and, on the bare bone level, MapleStory is just that, basic. Now, this game is much more fun to play with other people, especially when you have a vocal chat system set up. Why? Well, you can comment on the weirdness of characters, enemies, items, etc. And boy oh boy, there's a lot of that crap in the game. Don't have me wrong, I love MapleStory but more for its weirdness as well as the hilarity of playing with my older brother. Let's go into the fun thirsty parts of the game. Oh, and this time I'm not going to do the whole, "what I like and dislike" since it's kinda boring. Select server and play!

My little character in MapleStory is named Slashlass; the name is a pun on cutlass and lass (meaning girl), took way too long to create. Going along with the whole pirate theme, Slashlass is a pirate, more specifically a Gunslinger. I wield pistols and shoot the crap out of any enemy that crosses my path. I can also do this,

I can fly, sorta.

Cute right? In any case, this is my character whom I personally find to be awesome. She just has that swashbuckling attitude.

As mentioned before, MapleStory has class oriented quests which become available only at certain levels. I've already completed the Gunslinger quests. This means that I need to progress to the next milestone level, via farming and various Maple quests, before I can move up a rank in the Pirate skill tree. Here's where the fun begins.

Although class quests are important, the bulk of MapleStory is found through world quests. My personal favorites, to-date, are the Mushroom Kingdom quests . I won't give away spoilers for those who wish to take up arms against King Pepe. Just know, you will be fighting intoxicated pigs and adorable penguin soldiers along the way. Also, the mushroom princess is um...well, she's a piece of effeminate work.

Time to stress the co-op awesomeness in MapleStory. Pete, that is your cue.

Click the picture and note the heart earrings.

Was there any doubt what LeScurvyPete would be like?

On MapleStory, co-op is generally team oriented, though there can be some friendly fire along the way. This mostly happens with competition based quests. Or, when monster cards are dropped (I'll go into the cards a lil later). It pays to have a friend around when you're facing a boss or high level enemies. If your buddy is a different class than you, it's even more worthwhile because you can play off each other's strengths. For instance, Pete is the tank of our fighting duo; he has higher defense and a bigger health bar. This means, when my sorry ass is being beaten to shit by cuddly looking ghosts, he can step in a take a few hits while I heal. That being said, my character is more agile and can perform attacks faster. Being a Cannoneer, Pete's attack take longer to reload and cause him to rebound across the screen whereas my little Gunslinger has the advantage of bullets and speed. So, as a team, we piggyback each other rather well.

Cards, what about cards now? Monster cards, to be specific, and boy oh boy, is it impossible to collect every single one.

All monsters, whom you encounter on MapleStory, drop both a character card and a companion card. A character card logs information about the monster into a nifty little almanac. That part is useful. Each monster does drop a character card, so almanac wise it is possible to collect all of them, it would just be a bitch to do so. Heh, now the companion cards are something elsel. By something else, I mean annoying as all hell.

Companion cards enable you to summon that specific monster to fight by your side. You can use three companion cards, total, on the same monster (this simply strengthens their health bar). Once you use one card, you can even give your monster a personalized name. The names are censored (so much so that "sploosh" is unavailable) but that only leads to creativity. The masterpieces of my brother and me are as follows; Boo Earns, Horner, Yeasty, Sir Frankie, and Qweef.

So far, the monster cards seem to be pretty awesome. They definitely are, when you can actually find them. The higher the level of monster, the less likely they are to drop a card. Monsters drop cards on a random number roll. Even if there is technically a one out of forty chance of a drop, that doesn't mean forty dead monsters are going to yield a card. Kinda sucks.

Monster companions, in general, are a must have in this game. Fortunately, many useful ones are low level high drop rate monsters. Each monster has a different specialty when summoned. For some, they increase defense. Others, they just turn your character sprite red. Te most useful ones (in my opinion) heal magic/health. Magic or mana is vital for most classes of the game, making a mana healing companion pretty damn awesome. Jr. Boogies do just that (the Sir Frankie ghost pictured above with a flying Slashlass) and are a low level monste. Therefore, you can acquire this companion early on in the game. Fantastic pants!

Ah, well, that's a decent MapleStory blog. I have to wonder, what is the allure of this MMO? Honestly, I love playing it with my brother because it is so ridiculous and overly cute all the time. We tend to make fun of it a lot, but what is a gamer without a few silly games that they rag on? In any case, this most likely won't be the last MapleStory blog. Being an MMO, it can be a rage game as well.

Til later audience.

Die you pixie bastards die!

Plants Vs Zombies, tree of wisdom be damned

Alright technically I wouldn't be posting a blog at this time, I'd be in class. However one of my French professors sent out an email explaining that class was cancelled due to her being sick with a cold. Strange to catch a cold in 100 degree (Fahrenheit of course) weather but alright, no class. So what to do in my free time?

I was awake and functioning (barely functioning) at six in the morning since that is my new sleep cycle schedule. Fear not those who know me I'm simply doing this for school not as a change of personality. Honestly mornings, bleh. The point is I've been up for hours mostly reading and felt I deserved a little academic break. I don't have many one player games on my PC but I have enough to fill in a moment such as this. Today that game was Plants Vs Zombies.

Now for those of you unfamiliar with Plants Vs Zombies here are some quick details about it:

• It is a tower puzzle game produced by PopCap
• You are an unseen suburban resident who defends his home/life from zombies by growing a garden of mutant plants. 
• Each plant has a different function of either defense/offense against zombies
• The zombies differ greatly in their speed, attack power, and health. Some of them even dance!

What I LOVE about this game

The almanac of plants/zombies, Crazy Dave, the various level styles, and the music. 

The plant/zombie almanac is a reference book of useless and interesting facts about zombies and plants. It includes a picture and a little quip about the plant or zombie. I just love reading through this thing since the creators clearly had fun writing it. My two favorites are the Ducky Tuber Zombie and the Ice Shroom. You can see why below. 

Crazy Dave is your neighbor and guide throughout most of the game. He appears about every five levels and owns a shop located in the trunk of his van. He often says ridiculous things, however hidden beneath the crazy there are some decent pointers. At the last level he tries to give you advice but of course he is snatched away before that happens.

Now his shop is very interesting. Not only does it sell new upgraded plants (which are expensive as all hell though completely worth it) but he also has a decent selection of necessary objects used in your Zen Garden. 

The Zen Garden is a place where you can grow plants that simply spit out coins. Of course you need to water the plants, feed them while they're growing, spray them for pests, and play them music all to make them happy. That costs money. However once a large enough Zen Garden is made then actual money is earned. Meaning those upgraded plants can be yours. I'll go into "money making" later in my rant section of this post.

So the levels are standard but change as you progress through the game. I mean if they didn't it would be boring as all hell. At first you're defending your front lawn which is divided into a 5x9 grid. As you complete levels of zombie raids you gain new plants. At first you have very few plants, the basics. However once you're in the third and fourth stages of the game it becomes difficult to decide which to use and which not to. Ah, tricky you are Popcap. My favorite stage type is fog; this where you are defending your backyard (complete with a pool) that is covered by nightfall and a very thick fog. The fog makes the zombies "invisible" meaning you can't see which row they are walking down. Oh crap. I have a lot of fun with these levels because it adds an extra bit of intensity to it all. I was that kid who genuinely enjoyed pin the tail on the donkey. Something bout being in the dark. And possibly blindfolds. Moving on!

So the last BIG love of this game for me is the soundtrack. I could describe the brilliance of the composer or I could have a link to my favorite song in the game. Warning, it's catchy!

Now the two things I cannot fucking stand in this game! 

Money making and the Tree of Wisdom.

I'll start with money since it ties into my hatred of the Tree of Wisdom. So throughout the game you have a cute bouncing garden full of mutant plants that willingly defend your life and home. Awesome! Not awesome is the fact that every item you buy from Crazy Dave in the game is ridiculously expensive for what it does. There are two MAJOR ways of making dough in the game. At first the mini games and puzzles seem like endless piles of cash. Well that's not quite true. As soon as you beat them the prize money for finishing the completed mini game/puzzle drops significantly. It ain't worth the time. So the two ways are really the Zen Garden and Survival Endless.

The Zen Garden really only becomes money-wise worthwhile once it's over halfway full of plants. At that time you can use Stinky the Snail to gather coins for you (after feeding him chocolate which is questionable) for an hour. He earns about 30,000 coins worth in an hour which is significant. Especially since you don't pay for chocolate but rather you find it by playing Survival levels and standard levels. Same goes for finding plants for your Zen Garden. Speaking of Survival,

Survival is an addition to the game where you try to last as many rounds as possible. There is a Survival Endless which as it sounds never ends. This is useful for gathering coins. Once your garden looks like this, you never have to worry about cash ever again.

 You simply have to keep playing until you eventually lose. Popcap was kind enough to include upgraded Magnet Shrooms which collect coins for you. Very useful indeed. Two of them on-screen and there isn't a single coin left out. Thanks for that Popcap it's just the patience of waiting is, well it's boring. Even with that much action going on you adjust to it. So it's either Zen Garden or Survival Endless to earn the coinage. The worst part is you have to be ridiculously wealthy to grow the damn Tree of Wisdom. And here the loathing begins.

So this is the Tree of Wisdom or as I like to call it the overpriced tree of crap.

 The only reason it is worth anything to grow it up to 1,000 feet is to unlock certain codes in the game. For instance if you type flowers (you can see this above in the Endless picture) when zombies die a trail of daisies is left behind. At 1,000 feet you can command the zombies to dance. That's pretty rad. I covet this ability but am very far from reaching it. So I really don't like the Tree of Wisdom, especially since it stops giving you wisdom after a certain point and just tells you to feed it. By the way, the bags of food which cause it to grow a whopping one foot cost 2,500 coins per bag. Sounds low; not really when it takes 25,000 to grow ten feet and 2,500,000 to grow 1,000 feet. Maybe someday when I'm retired I will have made it to 1,000 feet but for now I'm stuck at 350 feet with 1,625,000 coins to go. Well shit.

Should you play Plants Vs Zombies?

Hell yeah you should. This game is amazing addicting fun that both entertains and challenges your defense strategies. You honestly can ignore the damn tree and money; I don't cause I'm a completionist but such is my curse. The variety of plants and zombies is well thought out and enjoyable. The levels and extras as well are fun to complete. Trust me I did cartwheels after besting Pogo Party in the mini games. Fucking evil level! So yes you should give this game a go because it's definitely worth it. 

Also be on the look out for Plants Vs Zombies 2. It's now an app for the Iphone and Ipad. Since I own neither I'm missing out but hey I'm sure it's also sweet.