This was written on many cups of tea/coffee/some sort of smoothie mixture/Pepsi/water/tea/café/latte/more tea
Fuck sleep. I have not been able to work on this blog in far too long and it's driving me insane. Audience I am not waist deep in snarling emotional stress that causes me to only sleep and work and not eat; I promise you that is not the situation. I mean I have stresses but life wouldn't be worthwhile without the daily nags of "to do". No, I just have been floating along and unable to stop for a while and write this blog. And though this doesn't count as a video game (dismiss the computer version of the board game), I feel like writing about the Game of Life. Why? It's the one game we can't ever win yet must always play. Also I don't think you want a scope of what I've been playing recently, seriously you'll die of boredom.
So the low down is as follows:
I have not stopped playing video games
I have not been able to play post worthy games due to focus on other activities
I've played been playing ONLY played Animal Crossing (Xanax)
Each day I have to read and reread various topics since my classes are all unique (time)
My work area is clean (time)
Cooking is what I do for every meal (health nut)
Tea and hot bathes are how I relax every day (spa nut)
My schedule is not flexible (control freak)
Sailing is important to me (summer time)
French Club is important to me (nostalgia and food)
Chess is important to me (war)
Social Media is on hold (waste of time)
PREPARING FOR MY FREAKIN' FUTURE
Audience as you probably don't know, I am going to graduate this December. That's right, soon to not being a college student. It's a sweet deal and I am looking forward to not living in a town where everyone on the social spectrum is younger than me except for grad students. Plus, I'm in Iowa. I can only take so much of being in the middle of nowhere for so long. I have plans, they are malleable, but that doesn't prevent the pain in the ass of it all. Let's start with two itchy levels, very itchy and uncomfortable levels. Wish I could skip the cut-scenes.
Level One: Pretending to care about a job during an interview
I have no idea what I am actually going to be doing as a long term career. I like it that way because it will be a surprise.
Beautiful
There's this funny feeling in my gut that I'll say screw it all in a few years and take night labs in order to become a cryogenicist in order to have a private supply of liquid helium and have reason to visit Antarctica on business. However, for the time being I am simply applying for basic business jobs. Why? Well urban areas tend to require business experience. I have other professional skills and experiences I can bring to the table but the basics are great to have covered. I just don't care. Least not really. I'll do a good job since it's work. However I'm only in it for experience, not for long term investment.
Level Two: Pestering my Mentors
During my college years I have gathered a small pool of mentors. There are namely two professors who know me well and can provide substantial information regarding my work. Nagging is not something I enjoy and yet I must in order to receive letters of recommendation. To the rest of the world this is not bothersome. To me it is. Asking for praise is so, low. Even for professional purposes it just feels "foreign" to me. Kind of like a mystery stew where you're not sure what is flavoring it but you know it's artificial in every way.
Quick Tip: Remember to remind your professors that all letters have to be in English. Though Canadian companies (governmental ones) wouldn't care, American companies aren't big on translating French.
Moving on from levels.
The next step of life is realizing what you actually do know about your future. This is where people become afraid. Everyone doesn't know everything for certain about what is to come but everyone knows something.
Are you a Dilbert or a Dogbert?
If you know what job you want and how to achieve that position, congratulations you're a workaholic. Seriously you are. If the job is all that matters and all that you have figured out on your master plan, well that's all you'll have for a long time. The job will be your happiness. You'll have to mold yourself to all other surroundings. Eventually you'll have more but not right away.
See the job, I'll find it in the long run. And I mean THE job. The one I love and hate because I'm passionate about it. That job. Not a job, but THE job. That will come later as all good things should. What will come before (which incidentally is a "later" because of having to wait until now) is the place, the wings. It's all about finding your roads so that you'll have a sense of which way to go.
So DEEP. Really. Really. Deep.
Between the flowery lines of what I'm saying is a simple message; if you have a place you love, go to it and don't let go. I want to love where I am. If home is the apartment, the city, the sidewalks, the night lights, the flood of footsteps, the hush of winter, the ticket stubs, the cafés, well I'll be happy. I have a home in mind and am not going to stop til I am there. That place, that's what I know about my future. To me, the place is where to start if you have that option. If you only love the job and not your home, that's not a very friendly life. If you're in a technical field, like I said workaholic.
Now let's hop off that train and hit another big brick of Mary's life philosophy. It's time for purpose! Which is actually easy to answer. Your purpose is to live. How you live is your choice. This relates to the difference of job and place in your future; after the diploma if you focus on job then your purpose is to work well; if you focus on place then your purpose is to find a happy home. Of course there are millions of little grey strings attached that can tug you in many directions of personal purpose. Still you probably fall into one of those two categories (even if you want both you will focus on one primarily). So purpose shouldn't be terrifying because it's simply what happens everyday. Just fulfill it because tomorrow never arrives.
List of Little Things #9. City Lights
Lastly on this wacky rant/regurgitation of information, what matters most in life. Another easy answer. You. Duh. It's your life so better make sure you enjoy it. That's not to say you should take the extreme and start murdering strangers and raping colleagues. No. That type of activity is something a mind that desperately needs medicine would do. Don't do those things or anything related of the sort. Instead do something you want to do. Such as moving to a new place. Trying that café you always pass by. Talking to someone whom you notice everyday yet have always stayed silent. Leaving a message for a soul who matters to you. Making yourself happy by treating yourself right. Allowing yourself to make mistakes. Enjoying the little things that always make you smile. If you don't now, then seriously when?
The End
Life has no winners because death takes everyone. No matter what happened during your life you will die. Make your life worthwhile to you because you may not have a second chance. Don't dwell on mistakes and don't beat yourself to the ground. Accept limitations yet break boundaries. Go for it dude. Go out there and come close to winning by Playing the Game.
THE END (Seriously I'm freakin' tired yet now satisfied for writing this. Still tired)
You can see the lack of sleep from these past few nights haha!
So...
Audience! I wrote a lil while ago (let's not count months shall we?) a blog post about Skyrim. The post went over really well since it covered both the basic history of Tamriel as well as tips for being a successful thief in Skyrim. Now this post won't be as informative about Elder Scrolls history; for that information please just click that handy little link above to my previous Skyrim article. It saves both of us so much time.
As the title states, this post is about being a warrior in the land of Skyrim. Being a warrior (by my definition for my three main characters) means doing warrior-like quests and what not. Thor (not original but don't care) my Nord warrior is not involved with the thieves guild or enlisted in the Dark Brotherhood or paid to perform mercenary work or under the control of schmucky Daedra Princes; I'm looking at you Molag Bal. In any case the point is Thor is a good guy. He did accidentally kill one of his rescue assignments once (the guy had his weapon drawn) but the Companions overlooked that minor slip up. Before I go on with details on the silvery Companions and Dawnguard fighters, let's bullet this post!
Being a warrior has it's difficulties, like magic hurts a lot I mean A LOT
Armor (armour for some of you) is everything and looks badass
Healing spells, still necessary
Shield Brothers
Running around hacking giants to bits is wonderful
You can carry a looooooooooooot of stuff
Sneaking is hard
Magic is difficult
Two handed is easy
Block is simple
Heavy armor is a breeze
Smithing is so much fun
Enchanting becomes your bestie always
Vilkas and Serana
There you have it audience. Everything you need to know about being a warrior in Skyrim. Laters, I'm sleepy due to spore. Damn attack hits me every, *yawn*, time...zzz
Wait what? Oops. That would've been a little too short of a post. We have so much more to go over my darlings. So very much.
Let us start with the beginning as a warrior. Like any character you deal with a dragon interrupting your execution and being one of the few survivors of the fiery ordeal. Unlike a thief or mage however, you choose the warrior stone at the standing stone circle outside of Riverwood. The warrior stone enables all skills designated as "warrior" to level up twenty percent faster than all others. This includes Heavy Armor, Two-Handed, Block, One-handed, and Smithing. Although armor and weapon play are important, smithing is far more the nugget of this batch of goodies. Also block sucks to level up without finding a guillotine trap or bandit archer. Seriously it's a shield. Why even have perks?
Essentially what Thor looks like
Back to smithing. Smithing is where you are able to play blacksmith at the local armory. There you have all the tools you need to craft armor, swords, battle-axes, maces, and jewelry. Also bows and arrows but those are thieving weapons; warriors done crossbows. The higher the smithing level the more variety you have on what kinds of armor you want. In fact the smithing perk tree is a bit odd. Rather than have two paths that end in a different "maxed out" trait, this tree ends on the same perk. Can you guess what it is? I'll give you a hint, it has something to do with- naw screw that. Hints are annoying me at the moment. It's Dragon armor. That's right DRAGON armor.
What's that audience? Some of you don't care about dragon armor? As I told my girls at camp (I'm a counselor each year) if they sang anything from Frozen's soundtrack I would mildly tell them to, "GET OUT." Comically of course. Dragons rule and Frozen, well let's leave my opinion about that for another blog. Dragons rule, end of diatribe.
To be honest the dragon armor could have looked far more awesome. There are two sets of it, Dragon Scale (perfectly named for yours truly) and Dragon Bone armor. Bone is stronger but looks so clunky since it's the Heavy Armor of the two. Scale is better but like Glass is ruined by the helmet. Seriously, why do Light Armor helmets always suck? The best looking armor and my personal favorite from both Skyrim and Oblivion is the Daedra armor. It is worth the climb up the skill tree audience. Not only is it black with a glowing red undertone BUT you look like this:
Open the gates of Oblivion maggots!
Yeah resembling Sauron from the LOTR trilogy is sweet. I have Thor even wielding a mace. I'm not big on the two-handed battle-hammers.
So you're probably wondering how long it will take to level up smithing? Happily audience not long at all. In fact there are two methods and one involves leveling enchanting as well.
Enchanting is a mage skill but can be leveled quickly and easily alongside the smithing skill. The only issue with enchanting is finding filled soul gems. See enchanting involves the use of "soul capture" which is where you put a spell on a creature or human that steals their soul once they die. There are different sized souls ranging from petty to grand to black. A black soul belongs to a human or vampire or werewolf character. These are technically the no-no souls since they are frequently used by necromancers. Plus they require black soul gems which none of the court wizards keep in stock. However, you can acquire soul gems (even filled ones) early in the game without being a thief or Daedra worshipper. What you need to do is go to the invisible chest in Dawnstar (not Dawnguard but rather the hold in the Pale) owned by a Khajiit merchant. Seriously I'm not making this up. There's a chest and it has stuff in it including soul gems and...just follow the link for details.
Now you have your soul gems and are ready to enchant! Well except you need to know some enchantments and have some things to enchant. Knowing is not difficult. Simply destroy either weapons or clothing that already have an enchantment to learn the power. For instance if you find a fire dagger on a bandit, you can destroy the weapon at an enchanting table (found everywhere there is court wizard and a Jarl Palace) thus forever learning the fire damage enchantment. It's rather useful. You can even destroy your wedding ring. Yeah, I did that and the missus doesn't seem to care.
About the things to enchant though, that's where smithing comes in. There happens to be a spell called Transmute than can be acquired whenever in the game. Enemies level up with you in most cases involving caves and I happened nab this at level eight so, yeah. It's doable early on. What transmute does is it turns iron ore into silver ore and silver ore into gold ore. Iron ore is plentiful in Skyrim and always available from merchants and blacksmiths. It's cheap too, so so cheap.
"Come to see Balimund perform miracles with steel eh?"
You do need some patience with transmute since it is an Adept level Alteration spell. What this means is it the spell costs a decent amount of magicka and is slow to regenerate unless you've many Alteration perks. Just drink potions or wait an hour to replenish your magicka, it's worth it. What you do once you have several chunks of gold ore is smelt it into ingots. It takes two ore to make one ingot for most materials so stock up! Once you have gold ingots you can smith some jewelry. The most useful item you can make from gold (for enchanting and leveling purposes) is a gold ring. Or should I say two gold rings. One ingot makes two rings. Excellent. By the way, all of this transmuting goes directly to your Alteration tree which increases your overall level. Really it's two birds with one stone in three ways; multitasking inception with Alteration (iron to gold), smithing (ingots to rings), and enchanting (rings to magic rings). You also can sell the rings for a profit. After all the soul gems were free from the chest and the iron ore costs so little. You my warrior loving audience are off to a profitable start.
Quick Tip: The other way to quickly level smithing is by making iron daggers. They are cheap to make and once again you can craft your own ingots. Just remember to sell them less you want to be over encumbered.
About that time I noticed the girl scout was six feet tall and from the late Paleozoic era. Ha, I love that quote. After gaining some "tree-fitty" from the local merchants and cranking up those skill trees, it's time to do some serious questing. Boy are you in for a treat audience. I give you the Companions and Dawnguard. But first my shield brothers. Sorry Serana, you need to wait your turn.
The Companions guild (or group since they are leaderless) is located in Whiterun at the old mead hall Jorrvaskr. It is the reincarnation of the Fighter's Guild from Oblivion with a few minor changes. The arena is missing and now you can become a werewolf.
Warning: Being a werewolf is overpowering and amazing in the earlier levels of the game. However it becomes a weaker form in the later stages, around level thirty seven, and more of a gimmick.
Personally I enjoy being a werewolf more than a vampire since the form is totally optional. It acts as a power and therefore can only be used once per day. Also it is fun to go around slashing things to bits and howling at the moon. Plus wild wolfs and your shield brothers are able to join you in lupus battles. This is an optional aspect of the Companions which you can deny while being able to finishing the story line. Fear not! I will not spoil anything from that juicy timeline of quests. You'll have to play yourself for those details audience. Rather I'll go in to some of the advantages of the Companions namely the shield brothers and the Ring of Hircine.
Vilkas is my favorite shield brother or companion friend. The reasoning behind this is well, his voice is lovely and he trains Heavy Armor. He mainly is there to act as a follower who helps you on your quests. You can customize his armor (my Vilkas has exceptional Ebony armor) and weapons to make him a better fighter as well as use him to carry some extra items in case you become over encumbered while questing. He comments on various places you go and is useful in a tough battle. Plus he's also a werewolf so there's that companionship. The voice thing is preference and for those of you looking for sassy females might want to team up with Aela; she also trains archery by the by. Teaming up with a trainer is useful for when you are so close to that level up but just don't have the willpower to farm skill trees. Instead you talk to your companion and ask for them to train you until you hit the next level. Then (this is the trick) you ask to share inventory with them and take back all the gold you spent on training. Free training and friendship, what a deal.
Besides that there's not much I can say about the Companions without spoiling quests. Ah, well I can go into werewolves a bit more. As I said earlier being a werewolf is awesome in the beginning of the game but loses it's luster as your enemies level up. If you didn't level up your werewolf in the beginning and now wish to boost that perk tree (oh yes both werewolves and vampire lords have perk trees) there are a few tricks of the trade. The way to climb the wolf bound perk tree is to feed on fresh corpses left by your victims. In other words dead bandits. Earlier I mentioned that "werewolf" is a power. What that means is that you can only change into a werewolf once a day. This is somewhat annoying when you want to level up those perks. How to go around this? Ring of Hircine. Hircine is the Daedric Prince of werewolves and provides this very useful trinket for your wolf bound character. When worn, the ring enables you to turn into a werewolf as many times as you like. The ring is listed under your power section of Magic (odd but it is) and functions very much like your normal werewolf change.
Such a good guy
Remember Thor is a good guy, he doesn't feed on innocents. The loophole is that you don't have to kill your feeding vessels while in your werewolf form. Instead, slaughter a bandit camp as a terrifying force of Daedric armor and change into a werewolf afterwards. You then can feed quite easily on the dead corpses. Once finished have your character wait a few hours in order to exit the werewolf form. Yes this is annoying but the only way to return to your human form is to allow time to pass.
Warning: When going through the Ring of Hircine quest make sure to kill the mercenaries who are seeking Sinding otherwise you will not obtain the curse free ring.
Right-o let's finish up this post with a few details on Dawnguard. Serana, a lovable lady I name dropped earlier, is an ancient vampire lord. She is a central character in the DLC (downloadable content) Dawnguard. The word Dawnguard refers to a fraction of vampire hunters located in the western area of the Rift. They have sworn themselves to destroying the rising vampire lord Harkon who happens to be Serana's bat-shit crazy father. Harkon's goal is to block out the sun and have vampires devour the world under his rule. Obviously you want to stop this. Now dear audience you have a choice; you can either side with Harkon (temporarily) and become a vampire lord, or stay loyal to the Dawnguard. Regardless of your choice you will be able to kick his guano covered butt later on as well as team up with Serana. She is a strong follower who not only shoots ice blasts but also summons dead corpses to fight alongside you. This is nice when you slay a daedra or another vampire. Doesn't feel so great being on the Harkon side now does it blood sucking fiends! No offence Serana. By the way, Thor stayed loyal to Dawnguard.
What is so special about the Dawnguard you ask? I did happen to mention something about warriors using crossbows earlier in this post darlings. Crossbows are tricky to use at first (if you're accustomed to a bow) but pack a huge punch and come with a variety of magical bolts. Without being a part of the Dawnguard you won't learn how to craft crossbows or magical bolts. That sucks for any warrior. Especially when you can have Dwemer styled crossbows that the Dwarven Spheres use. Those robotic bastards are a pain to slaughter. Instead of your blood rusting on their bronze butts, you can annihilate them with exploding bolts of shock. It's rather amusing to watch them burst from electric surges.
I am a creepy nuisance
Crossbows by far are the best perk of the Dawnguard. However, there is one more thing that makes Dawnguard worthwhile. How many of you love dogs? I know I do. And of those of you who have souls and adore canines, how many enjoy the look of the husky breed? It just so happens that the Dawnguard has husky dogs that will fight along side you and warn you of emanate danger while traveling Skyrim. They are cute and vicious which makes them a great addition to any team. Plus they don't count as a human follower so you can have a husky and Vilkas on your team at the same time. The Dawnguard also have armoured trolls to rent. They are cool but a bit fussy. Trolls will leave you after a while because they become bored. The huskys never leave you. They are loyal. Also husky dogs are cuter than those creepy Death Hounds the vampires make. Bleh, ugly creatures.
I'll stop there with Dawnguard since I don't want to spoil any of the quest line. The Harkon thing is something you learn from the trailer so I'm not feeling guilt over that little tidbit. I hope you all download Dawnguard since it is a great addition to the game. I'll go in the Dragonborn DLC on my next (and final) Skyrim blog. That one will follow the adventures of my baddie of a mage Loki. I know the name is not original and I still don't care. Anyhow, that's all from Elder Scrolls for now. Happy gameplay.
P.S. I put the hint to the next post in a different location this time audience.
Audience I am so sorry for not writing to you in eons. I've been having an "Intermission", actually this more of "We're So Starving".
I have not been writing songs for you audience but rather doing research. I have a list of games (actually a few flops or games I suck at which will hopefully be humorous) for the summer which I will be writing/recording/entertaining you with. So do not fret, I have not forgotten you. I've just been working behind the scenes.
As promised I will be writing more on Skyrim. That will be the theme of the next blog post in fact. Ah but what type of character/quests will I be writing about? You'll just have to continue to be patient. Write to you soon!
Darling audience hello again. I am currently in the middle of my "hell week" which is the week before final exams. Basically hell week consists of essays, journals, last minute quizzes, and even meeting with another student who corrected a paper of mine. It is all oodles of stressful fun times.
So what am I doing on my video game blog? Taking a break of course. At the moment I'm having to comprise an essay explaining the meaning behind voyeuristic themed films. Don't know about you audience, but that topic is creepy as fuck to me. A break now and then is healthy for my now increasing paranoia about windows. And cameras. And credit cards. And habitual routes. And everyone in the world. Heh, just kidding. I am not actually shutting myself away forever. Though seriously these films are fucked up so creating some space between me and them isn't surprising.
Anyhow, I decided I would write a lil post about an app. I don't have time to review, replay, and really write about a full video game. Therefore, I decided an app would be appropriate. Which app have I chosen? Well, the only one I've ever really become competitive over. Also the only one that plays this weird ass song.
Audience I do hope that some of you know to which app I'm referring. If you don't know it's fine, I'm going to tell you. Just hoping to find some others who've played it. Or still play it. Ya know, just for kicks.
ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK!
This game began, to my knowledge, on Adultswim.com which I believe is only accessible in the States. Obviously you can now loop around that (VPNs are interesting) but still, it was originally only USA. The app is annoying, I won't lie. And I mean REALLY annoying. That weird song I posted above plays on loop while you control a robot unicorn running across the screen. Oh yeah, "app-play".
This app is a basic side-scroller game where your character moves constantly across the screen. It is your job to have your character jump when needed otherwise, you'll die. You also (unique to this game) must blast through stars in order to gain more points for if you don't blast through them, you will die. Basically the entire game is trying to kill you. This is a common theme in app games and video games.
You play as the robot unicorn, always. You are silver with a flowing rainbow mane. You must guide robot unicorn across the map and try to gain the most points possible. This becomes increasingly more difficult because, the more points you gain the faster robot unicorn runs.
Quick Tip: Don't look at your score as you play. This is the easiest way to die in my experience. Just concentrate on the upcoming objects.
There are ways of racking up tons of points. Two nouns: butterflies and stars. The butterflies help guide your unicorn as well since they hover at the beginning of each platform. This is useful because they tell you how high your jump should be. You can either press Z once and hold (this makes a slow arch jump) or press it twice to do a double jump. The butterflies assist you and give you ten points. Well, unless you use the multiplier.
Ah multiplying points. Both stars and butterflies enable this function. If robot unicorn consistently touches butterflies or blasts through stars, a multiplier with appear. Each star has a base worth of 100 points; butterflies have a base worth of 10 points. If you blast through two stars without missing any in between, the second star is worth 200 points. The third will 300, the fourth 400, etc. You have the picture. Same goes for butterflies, however the star multiplier is where the points are at.
Random, dolphins will appear at each 5000 point interval. They squeak and swim across the screen. I have no idea why they do this, they just do.
Now sometimes you will just die. The level layout is random each game and there are times when robot unicorn simply can't make the jump. Don't worry, you have three lives to gain that high score. Though remember, the high score only matters to you. No one else actually cares cause it's a weird little app. It's just not that cool if you score a high score.
UNLESS. Unless you and your friends have a rivalry. This is always interesting. I once had a rivalry with an ex-boyfriend (I'm not always single in life) which ended in me destroying his high score after only ten minutes of playing the game. I also made a wager with him that whomever won would owe the other a movie choice. Out Cold it was that night! Not exactly a terrifying loss on his part, still made the game that much more fun which was a lot more. This game can become boring.
Though this game is simple and at times boring, it can be addictive. After all you want to do well in any game you play. Only achieving sub-par scores sucks on the ego. Fortunately this game only uses two keys (x and z) making the controls very simple. It also is easy to pick up. Remember, I beat my ex after only ten minutes of gameplay; noob level doesn't last long.
Not my best Score
I haven't done my best to convince you of this game audience, after all it is an app. Regardless, I do play this app from time to time because it is simple and cutsy and annoying. It is something I can do without thinking which is nice. We all need to quiet our brains sometimes, Robot Unicorn Attack does that for you. Also you can mute the music now. That's a huge plus.
Happy Apping my audience. Hopefully once school is out I'll write more posts more often about more games I adore. Actual video games. Not apps. Promise <3
My sweet audience, some of you may remember that I mentioned Fable TLC in an earlier post about playing certain video games when bored. I briefly mentioned some of the "dickable" activities in Fable which make it an excellent game to relieve boredom. However, I'm not satisfied with that shout-out. No, no Fable TLC needs more than that, as does Skies of Arcadia Legends. So here in honour (just for you Maleficus) of Lionhead's best RPG is the Fable TLC post.
You'll find out who Maleficus is very shortly audience. Also there is some music at the bottom of the page. Yeah, way way down there. Keep going.
This is him. With a few adjustments ahem.
Bullets of beautiful info about Fable TLC:
You are a boy. Not a single if, and, or but from you audience
Almost immediately you are torn from your family and forced into the Guild of Heroes. Heroes' Guild for short
The world of Albian is your terrain and is full of drunk idiots ordering beers with "umbrellars" in them
Hero does not necessarily mean virtuous *wink*
There are many NPCs you will hate, namely Thunder
There are two NPCs you will love, namely Scythe
The villain is magical and scary as fuck. I love Jack for that.
This is the game that taught me how to do a poor British accent. Heh.
You can be a whore if you so wish
You can be a demon with horns and glowing eyes if you so wish
You can be a chicken-man if you so wish
You can be an angel with a halo and face tattoos with perfect blonde hair and perfect scars.Cough.
You can be whatever you want if you so wish.
Where to begin? Perhaps with the beginning? As you know audience spoilers are to follow BUT not major plot ruining ones. Seriously, I want you to play this game. Why would I do that?
Awaken in Oakvale, a small port-side town busy with NPCs who all happen to know that it is your older sister's birthday. All of them know it, even the new merchant. Everyone except you. Basically you start off as a lazy little boy who forgets his own sister's birthday and waits around for adventure to find him. Rather classic eh?
Anyhow, you begin by doing "deeds" around the town in order to earn enough gold (3 pieces in fact) to buy a box of chocolates for your sister as a birthday present. The deeds are your first steps in the game both controller wise and alignment wise. Alignment is rather big in Fable, we will divulge into that more later. Basically though it is your morality, your amount of good and/or evil. So, you can from the start be all evil, all good, or a nice mix. It's your choice. Personally I enjoy being a total bad boy now and then. Smashing boxes is fun. Sides, "are you just gonna stand there like a lemon?"
Fast-forward past a night of horrible events to the Heroes' Guild. Here is where you really learn how to kick ass or chew bubble gum. Oops, wrong game. Heh, so at the guild you train with at first a stick (lame) then a sword, then a bow, then with plasma lightning that shoots from your finger tips while slowly corrupting your body turning you into a mutated freak who climbs walls and scares the shit out of 18 year old MareBears! Oops, wrong game again. Well sorta. You do in fact train with lightning or will or magic; it happens that cast lightning is your first spell. Still, beware the corruption. Or don't. Being an overpowered mage is awesome.
My overpowered Hero
Ah yes, what kind of hero will you be? Well there are nearly limitless combos. You could just go all out in one skill tree, meaning a maxed out warrior, mage, or marksman. However, that's lame and you'll look weird as all fuck at the end. See, depending on your skill tree you can look like a jacked out glowing giant (which is how I typically go) or a stubby shrimp with trunks for limbs. Or a skinny glowing twig. Or a lanky pillar the width of a pencil. OR a million other things. If you mix your skill tree you can become any kind of hero combination. If you max everything out (which is fun to do) you will look like Maleficus, in other words a jacked out glowing giant with beautiful blond locks. Oh yeah, your "other looks".
Tattoos, hairstyle, facial hair, and hair colour all fall under "other looks" as a category. Some are found in chests, others are only available at specific shops, some are stolen from people's homes. Yes, you can steal hairstyles from residences. How? Why with style cards of course! Fable TLC made it easy to customize your hero's outward appearance with the use of cards. Basically a style is written onto a card and once you collect it, you can have it applied as many times as you want. So if you like a tattoo you own or just want to try it out, you can at any tattoo parlour or with any travelling tattoo artist. It's rather nifty. Unfortunately the colour of your tattoos depends on the card, you cannot change them. Same goes for hair colour.
Quick Tip: If you own the PC version of Fable TLC you are able to design your own tattoos. Unfortunately I'm not that talented of an artist.
Hair colour is not something you can easily mess with. Ok if you know the game then yes, it is easy to change. However, for you curious newbies out there it might be more difficult since hair colour is dependent on your morality alignment. Remember how I said I'd tell you more bout alignment later? Well now is later.
Everything, and I mean everything, you do in Fable TLC affects your morality alignment; quests, games, murdering an entire town, clothing, even food. For instance eating tofu gives you "good" points whereas eating crunchy chicks (whole baby chickens) awards you with pure evil. I should also mention that clothing/armour only affects you when you are wearing it. This means if you want to know your true alignment (every piece of clothing has some push on morality) you need to be naked.
A typical bad-boy
How does alignment affect my appearance? It determines your hair colour (bleh, British spellings), whether or not you can grow hair, your eye colour (glowing red can be attractive to gothic culture) and many other things. Horns, those will appear if you are very evil. So will flies. As will red smoke. Least you learn the vulgar thrust expression. Haha so funny.
The completely good heroes have blond hair and sport a halo above their heads. They also grow blond beards (score!) and have butterflies follow them (um yeah...). Plus they are radiant with glowing light and deep blue eyes. If you are in between the extremes you can have sandy blond hair, dark black hair, light blue eyes, dark eyes, and always pale skin. No one tans in the world of Albian.
Aight so you understand that alignment has a strong presence for your character's appearance personally. Fortunately it does nothing for your quests. You can do all the quests in the game whether you're evil, good, or in between. That is a nice feature, means you won't miss anything. However, quests can have different outcomes (even the big major ones) therefore choose wisely dear audience. Or just make multiple characters, that works too.
Besides looks in the game (hey some of us are vain), you can customize your experience greatly. There are many side quests which can aid you at later stages of the game or just gift you with interesting weapons and outfits. For instance there are these things called silver keys. In Fable TLC there are thirty in total scattered throughout Albian. You can use the keys to open silver chests which have a designated number on them; if it says 15 you need fifteen keys to unlock it. Don't worry, you don't lose your keys after opening a chest. That would be a major pain.
Somehow I am born from something.
Another interesting side factor is the appearance of Demon Doors. These dudes are magic doors which take the form of old bearded men who want you to do something for them. This can be anything from giving them a rose to sacrificing all your silver keys. It's rather mixed. Regardless, you will be rewarded once you've opened the door with some sort of treasure. Often it's a weapon with magical properties. The Cutlass Bluetane is one of my favourites.
Hmm, speaking of favourite weapons, I might as well mention Skorm's Bow. This baby is the greatest and coolest looking bow in the game. Seriously, it is badass. However, acquiring the bow is not easy. In fact, it is a total bitch to earn. There is a temple in Darkwood called Chapel of Skorm. Skorm is the god of evil while Avo is the god of good. Yeah, super complicated.
I am a bitch to get!
Anyways, at the Chapel of Skorm you can make sacrifices in order to earn more evil points. What you sacrifice is followers, human followers. Depending on your alignment (the more good you are the more evil points you earn since they want you to be evil) and the time of day (I swear by midnight, it's the only time that works), you have a chance to be rewarded with Skorm's Bow. As a straight up fact you must earn more than 500 evil points from a sacrifice. This almost never happens in the first try and in fact, ends up with you hiring swordhands in order to make multiple sacrifices until you have the fucking bow. It's frustrating always but so so SO worth it. Guess what's not frustrating? Having your hero look 24 by the end of the game when he's totally maxed out with experience.
As many of you have picked up on, one aspect I really adore about this game is the fact that you can make a really hot character and force him to run around shirtless in the snow. Yup, great detail right there. As I was starting to say at the end of the last paragraph, I know of a way to make your hero be forever young. See experience, though it makes you stronger, also ages you. Your maximum age is 65, therefore once you've maxed everything out, then you are an overpowered retiree. This is fine if you don't care that no one else ages in the game. I care. Also I want Maleficus to be hot, always. So I use a minor glitch in the game to get what I want.
Near the end of the game, not at the end but near it, a quest card will appear at the guild for Knothole Glade/Witchwood. Basically the chief's son has been kidnapped and you need to go rescue him from bandits by travelling through Witchwood. This is good. See the Chapel of Skorm might be in Darkwood but the Temple of Avo is in Witchwood. At the Temple of Avo you sacrifice money (there's another glitch to avoid actually giving all your funds) in order to become more enlightened with being good. Horray. Well the first thing you earn from a large donation is the Sentinus, the "good" weapon which is a club with spikes all over it. Horray again. After that little gift though, you have the opportunity to earn some years of youth. This is what you want. So you give money (though not really) and earn a few years off your age.
See, 24 is better
Now here is where the glitch happens; teleport out of Witchwood to the Hero's Guild (it doesn't matter where you go but the guild is a nice known landmark). The game will ask if you want to abandon your quest, say yes. So now you are back at the Hero's Guild with all your experience you've earned as well as those youth points. However, the quest was not completed. Thus you can start the quest again and repeat this youth process til your desired age. I prefer 24 but you can go as low as 18. 24 is better though.
I suppose I should mention some actual gameplay and a few of the enemies, I just really don't want to give anything major away. Hmm, alright then, balverines and the undead. The other enemies, like hobbes, you'll just have to experience hands on. By the way, my late fish Maxley was named after a very famous hobbe. Just saying. Right then, puppy time!
He's hacking and whacking and slashing. Hack, whack, cutting that meat.
Again wrong game. My favourite part about these creatures are the scars they leave. I purposely make Maleficus take damage around them in Darkwood just to have this. Perfect. Right, I'll stop drooling and we'll move on.
So cuddly <3
The balverines of Fable TLC are the werewolfs who never change back into human beings; aight at first if someone is bitten they can control the transformations but over time they succumb to the wolfy appetite of humans and other weak creatures. They are a central part of the game (they even dominate their own quest) and are adorable. I honestly think they are just the cutest things.
In Witchwood I kept hitting the stones in the order of S-H-I-T just to hear Maleficus swear and summon a small pack of adorable balverines to come out and play. They aren't too difficult of an enemy. Just equip a weapon with a silver augmentation (oh yes, these are magical stone badges you can add to weapons) and hack away.
Purposeful damage muwhaha
Quick Tip: Augmentations are permanent, you cannot remove them after attaching them to a weapon. Also, weapons only have a certain amount of augmentation slots depending on the level of weapon. Choose wisely.
Ah. The zombies of the game, the undead. These lovely gents, they are all male zombies for some reason, enjoy groaning and slashing at your boots as they rise from the earth. Once slain, they scream into a green puff of smoke before even more pop up to take their place.
Hello there darlings
They are the ultimate experience enemy. There are a few quests (pst, they involve a prison and a graveyard) which have unlimited respawn on the undead. This means you can kill them as much as you want for as long as you want to boost that experience. Add a few potions of strength, skill, and will into the mix and you've got a jacked out hero.
Quick Tip: Even if you don't want to be a mage, a most useful spell is Physical Shield since damage is switched from your health to your mana. If you take hits from your health you not only risk dying, but you also stop your combat multiplier (you'll find out, trust me) from, well multiplying.
Wow I've talked a lot about this game, without spoiling anything major yet either! Score!! There are just two last things, or should I say people I do want to bring up though. Wait, only two?! Alright, let's see. I chose Whisper and Scythe. We'll discuss Whisper first.
"Ello dar farmboy"
Dear sweet silver medalist Whisper. You are a difficult character for me to describe because I have mixed feelings on you. She is, for the most part, annoying, and like all characters (except for the coolest dude in the world) you have the option to kill her if she annoys you too much. I did kill Whisper once, and to be honest I regretted it. She is your first friend and perhaps your only true friend in the game. I mean everyone else is kind of aloof in a professional way or tries to piss you off by calling you a weakling constantly; Thunder, Briar Rose, you two wouldn't know anything about that kind of hero would you? Anyways Whisper is the other apprentice hero you meet early on in the game. In fact, you have to train with her in order to learn the basics. After graduation the two of you compete in quests and even (drum roll) the "arena-rr".
"Did you see th-at? I sawr it. The -eros of the arena-rr are trying ta kill eacho-der."
Heh heh, that's what all the NPCs in the game sound like, according to me. Yes, you and Whisper go along the path of hero-hood together for a while. She is irritating at times (the name farmboy could be retired darling Whisper) but she does have to deal with Thunder. He's her brother and a major pain in the ass for everyone in Albian. He's a giant and decent fighter, but ultimately he's an arrogant pain in the ass. Now for someone not so pain-in-the-assy.
Sycthe! Just again for kicks, SCYTHE! Dude you are the most bad-ass NPC of all time. Seriously, being a decaying hero who cannot be killed since he is technically immortal (yet looks like a mummy) after having entered the Void in order to defeat the Court (minus Jack of Blades since he fled the battle only to return now) and save Albian thus becoming the first Archon!! Plus, dat voice is freakin' amazing.
Sycthe is someone you briefly see in the beginning of the game and then finally meet near the end. He is, as the description above gleefully entails, fucking bad-ass. He is the original hero of the world and the only one to travel in the Void and survive (thus the Archon title). Although you aren't able to do much with him, he is the only character you cannot kill and you can always talk to him. On top of everything, he treats you with respect from the beginning; none of the others do this (Guild Master saying that Maleficus doesn't look like hero material psh) so that's major brownie points. Honestly, play the game and see why Sycthe is awesome. Maze might have beat him out if it weren't for, well circumstances.
So. Have I convinced you to play this game? If there are any doubts to those of you who love men then may I remind you that you alone have the power to craft a hot at as hell hero to your liking. For those of you who love women I'll say that you can own a bordello and sleep with as many nearly nude whores as you like who will praise you for your sexual talents. I might have forgotten to mention the bordello earlier, just slipped my mind.
Rawr. I am Jack of Blades and am a cool yet douchey villain for the shit I do to you. Rawr.
Until next time dear audience.
Oh yes, here's some music.
P.S. I fucking kept my promise. I did it. Hahahaha. Yes! Go ME! Oh, and want to know why May 2nd was the deadline? Cause I turn 22 that day. That's why! Mainly cause I can remember that date. In any case, HA again. I did it!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S.S. I can't believe I used British spellings. Cough cough, bleh.
This is me crippled under guilt of having not written a blog in over a month
I am sorry for neglecting you. I'll definitely have something for you before May 2nd. PROMISE!
P.S. If I don't keep my promise, which won't happen cause I will, I sentence myself to drinking myself into a stupor via Jager and Captain Morgan on the night of May 2nd.
P.S.S. It will probably happen that night regardless ;P
I'd like to say that this video is random and has nothing to do with anything. I was just REALLY bored.
Loading up the big guns now audience. It is time for the massive RPG known as Skyrim, the fifth Elder Scrolls installment. Some of you (all of you who are Elder Scrolls fans) should be familiar with the titles of Morrowind and Oblivion as these two games are the predecessors of Skyrim. Why I brought them up was to give all of you fellow Elder Scrolls fans a chance to skip down to the bullet points since this next paragraph is going to give a brief overview of what the hell Elder Scrolls is...or is it are? In any case feel free to skip, I promise your monitor will not detonate.
Aighty aight, let's begin with the overview of Elder Scrolls in general. The Elder Scrolls series follows the fictional world of Tamriel which finds itself in various wars, political uprisings, at the mercy of daedra lords (basically demi-gods who cause trouble but give stellar weapons and armor) and even betwixt guild rivalries. Essentially this world is a magical version of our own which is set in a medieval-ish era. Areas that enhance the series include the race differences (both visual and spiritual) and prejudices which contribute undoubtedly to the various wars. Personally the Imperials can go fuck themselves a thousand times over for the amount of annoying shit they do throughout Tamriel. Imperial scum eh? Die die die die die!
Nothing like slaughtering the guards in the Imperial City to make a thief feel badass. Unfortunately that takes place in Oblivion not Skyrim since Oblivion is set in Cyrodiil and Skyrim is set in, well Skyrim. Oh yeah, my whole point of bringing up the Imperial douchers was to give insight into what the hell is going on in Skyrim. There are two "main" quests of sorts that occur in the cold Nordic land of Skyrim; the first is the civil war between Ulfric Stormcloak (rebels) and the Imperial Army who have invaded and swayed many of the Jarls (similar to noblemen or dukes who rule over a region) to stand against Ulfric as they push their own government onto the Nords. Yeah, sounds like the story of every country who's ever taken over any other land. Basically I'm for the Nords since they are badass and live in cold ass conditions and the rude-as-all-hell Imperials are with the Thalmor "biggest pricks in the history of Tamriel" Embassy. Heh, I'm a prejudice chick with a sailor's mouth.
Here me roar Dragonborn!
The second big story line in Skyrim is the battle against the dragons. After centuries of peace the dragons have started to reappear. This blame can be cast at Oblivion when the oblivion gates were opened all over Cyrodiil which connected the mortal world to the dark and weird as shit Daedra world. Dark magic unleashed equals scary giant dragons appearing. So the dragons are back and you lone prisoner (you start off as a prisoner in essentially every game) are a Dragonborn; you have the ability to befriend and nurture dragons so that dragons and people can coexist in a viking town which was once plagued with dragon fire. Or at least that's what you are hoping for audience. Instead you slay dragons, absorb their souls, and learn various "shouts" in order to take down the species. Little more slaughter little less Hiccup and Toothless.
So that is audience the basic overview of Elder Scrolls (the elder scrolls are a form magical sacred literature which show either past or future when read by moth priests who live in a very secretive order which is hard to infiltrate) and Skyrim. Trust me it was basic. If you seek more info the Elder Scrolls Wiki is fantastic for becoming lost and absorbed in for hours. Time for bullets!
The Bullets are Here!!! Right Here!!!
Lez go:
You are a prisoner bound by hand on your merry to be executed by Imperials Douchers.
There are different types of Standing Stones which when chosen will aid your progress
The three main choices of hero are Mage, Warrior, and Thief. Guess which one we'll talk about?
Riften is the city of thieves where the Thieves' Guild is located
Archery skills are your best friends
Fuck Dwemer caverns, they are scary.
Money is important at first though quickly diminishes into being a second thought once you are above level twenty-five
Brynjolf, you are the hottest NPC in all of Skyrim.
Nocturnal is a pretty sweet Daedra to worship.
Alright let's start near the beginning of the game (as always I spoil shit along the way so be warned) where you decide which standing stone to be blessed with. You've chosen wisely for you have not chosen the snake (that stone is way the fuck in the middle of nowhere anyhow) and have decided upon the thief. VERY good choice. Thievery is fun in some of the best ways.
You now will level up thief skills far faster than any others. Such skills include archery, sneak, pickpocket, and lock-picking. Now I suggest you level up to at least level ten until you join the thieve's guild. Why you ask? Well dear audience you suck ass in the beginning with low as shit skills. Try the first mission and get killed if you are much lower than level ten. In fact you probably won't even be able to get into the guild. You need to prove yourself as a thief, Brynjolf doesn't take just any loser. Too risky.
Thirsty so thirsty for Brynjolf
Brynjolf, there's a name to make you shiver in the best ways. Brynjolf is a high ranking thief whom you can meet near the market place of Riften. He asks you a few questions and gives you and opportunity to join the guild. Make sure you have some good sneak skills because you'll have to steal from a stronghold box in public. It's not too bad but again near the beginning everything is more difficult.
Of all the thief skills the most important to level up are Sneak and Archery, not Lock-picking. Let's be honest, the first node in that skill tree is all that is "required" for a very very long time. Lock picks are very abundant as are arrows in Skyrim so even if you break fifty on one lock it's not a big deal. With pick-pocketing it is useful to level up but do so later. Sneak and Archery are great combat skills and in being a thief you need to have excellent combat strategy. Thieves are not strong like warriors and are not adept in defense like mages so strategy and shadows are what need to focused upon the most. When Sneak becomes strong enough your attack damage multiplies like crazy. Master thieves can damage enemies with a fifteen multiplier on their attacks. That's a hell of a lot of damage along with strong archery. Remember, Sneak and Archery.
Typical Thief Garb
Another skill very necessary for thieving is Alchemy. This skill is useful for everyone and as a thief you can protect yourself well with high Alchemy. Invisible potions exist in Skyrim as do strong healing and stamina potions. Have a high Alchemy level and befriend your local alchemist to benefit from the rewards of potent potions as well as toxic poisons for your arrows.
Speaking of stamina, every time you level up you have a choice between increasing health, magic, or stamina. As a thief stamina is your friend. Archery benefits greatly from how long you can keep your bow drawn to slowing time itself with a large stamina bar at its disposal. Running away is another asset for a thief. It sounds cowardly but unlike the warrior thieves do not take damage well. Keep your stamina strong and from time to time, perhaps every three levels, increase your health as well.
Now, how to survive in dungeons as a thief. So you have your skills set in order, your stamina is decent, and you have plenty of arrows on hand for combat. Let's go into a dungeon/cave!
What you will find in dungeons:
Most likely draugr, the friendliest zombies in Tamriel. So long as they sleep they won't shout. If they shout, well try running or hiding somewhere. The shouting hurts a lot.
Possibly Dwemer ruins. These places are freaky as fuck! The Dwarves decided to leave a few toys behind to play with you. They are rough playmates.
Fuzzy animals and spiders crawl around in caves frequently. Don't underestimate bears, they can be a bitch to kill. Frostbite spiders are more annoying than dangerous. Just shoot and kill with fire.
At times bandits. Bandits aren't too bad to deal with. They can be large in numbers but are shit when it comes to magic and poison. Take em out one by one to see the others freak out.
Necromancers appear in caves as well. These guys are annoying. Necromancers are dark mages who perform dark magic such as illusion and conjuration. Quick lil tip, when you kill a necromancer steal the clothes from the body. That way when they resurrect the dead necromancer you can dispatch the real ones rather than wasting arrows on the zombie.
Vampires. Often found in huts there are some occasions where you will run into these bloodsuckers underground. They hate fire. Don't be too afraid, there is a cure for vampirism so if you're bitten no biggie.
Last and my favorite, the Falmer. Theses lil cuties are deformed descendants of snow elves who lost their sight to the Dwarves and became twisted under subterranean slavery. Their hearing skills are unmatched and they will kill without mercy. Their armor is pretty rad too.
Those lovely Falmer are creatures you don't want to face right away. Yes they will be weaker but yes they also travel in packs. They live underground after all and you're the invader in their little subterranean paradise of tents and domesticated chaurus. If I were them I'd hiss and kill you too.
Aw, he just wants a hug and some eyes
The point of that previous paragraph was to extend my further love for Falmer. It also was to point out that a Falmer cave (aka a Dwemer ruin since that's where Falmer typically live) is not the best starting point for a thief. Same goes for vampires and necromancers; they are nasty in the beginning and you'll probably spend more time reloading your save file than leveling up. Instead find a bandit or draugr cave; both these species (draugr are not run-of-the-mill zombies) are easy to pick off at low levels and feature simple creatures to overcome. For instance bandit caves often have wild animals who are caged or lounging about. Kill the bears. Kill the tigers. Even (can't believe I'm typing this) kill the wolves. They are all experience points.
Now how do you find these caves full of darkness to level up in? Well since you start nearish to Whiterun it is good to explore around there. Also ask people in town for quests and attempt any with caves.
Quick Tip: Fuck the tree of Whiterun quest. Honestly do that quest after level ten because it is bitch with hippies and spriggons galore! Serious fuck that fucking tree and the damn priestess too!
Exploring is a more adventurous way of leveling up but I suggest you gather a few quests as well. Remember, you are a thief and caves are your friends. Caves are dark. Save often anyways.
Beautiful yet dangerous
The biggest way to survive is to have everything ready before you enter a cave. The list goes as follows: poison, healing potions, arrows, healing spell, plenty of weight available, and lockpicks.
Poisons won't work on the undead (draugr and vampires) but will hurt anything living with a heartbeat. Bandits are way easier to take down so stock up on basic venoms and poisons such as Frostbite Venom. Potions, I cannot stress enough that you are weak therefore you will die if you cannot heal yourself quickly. These babies are not to be used sparingly; if you are hurt drink up! Just make sure to not waste any once your health bar is full, don't be silly now audience.
The weight is important since you will be collecting spoils along the way. If you become over encumbered you are fucked over. Sell any useless shit you have such as furs and Bandit clothing to the local merchants. Have room for newer (better) things. Fortunately arrows weigh nothing (same for gold and lockpicks) so stock up on iron arrows as much as you can. Eventually you'll switch to Elven but now you are basic as are your weapons.
Heal spell is important and can be found at every temple I believe. In case you run out of potions or want to heal after deposing of everyone and not waste potions, the heal spell works nicely. Fortunately mana regenerates automatically over time so the spell can be used again without too much worry.
Aight you have everything. Time to fight.
Fuck you died...Time to load your latest save file.
HUGE Tip: Save, save, save, save, save, save, save, save, enregistrer, save, save, save, SAVE, save, save. Don't rely on Auto-Save to keep you safe. These caves are fucking huge and you can die in any battle. Save before, save after, and even safe during while running away. Just save a lot.
An actual combat tip: Shooting people is fun. Shooting draugr is fun. Shooting everything with an arrow is fun. Make sure to get a feel for aiming the bow before killing lots of things. Practice on weak enemies in the forests (deer and foxes) and bigger targets in town (cows and horses). Make sure to shoot the chickens though. Damn blabbing fuckers. Seriously though, just become accustomed to the controls and suddenly firing long distance shots isn't so bad. If you level Sneak up high enough you can even assassinate by slicing people with daggers.
Well that's bout all I can tell you. Honestly if I were to go through everything even more you'd be here eternally. Don't worry, this won't be my last Skyrim blog. Obviously there is more to discuss besides how not to die as a thief.
A quick recap if you like: find shadows to conceal yourself in, use the thief stone to boost the speed of skills, go adventuring prepared, SAVE, practicing shooting on easier targets, take any quest, have fun being sneaky! It doesn't take long to enjoy the game as a darting devious thief of Skyrim. You may want to join the Thieve's Guild in Riften for thief specific quests. You get to meet Brynjolf if you do! Just saying it's awesome. So audience enjoy being a thief, I know I do.
P.S. My bff Kate's father sounds just like Delvin in the Thieve's Guild. Was really uncanny when I met Bob for the first time.
As per usual here is some music. Actually it's an artist I happen to like on Youtube and her version of the Dragonborn Comes from the opening title screen.
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