Rareware Interlude

Aight audience this post is not my norm of video game review style. I know I promised you a post relating to the word "deuce" but that one is on hold just for the moment. Fear not it has been drafted and will be completed in uh, well time. Right now I have a burden on my mind that's been eating away steadily since the early 2000's. A brief history before the nostalgia and sadness begin. Going all heavy now. Oh, as always scroll down to the bottom for some music. Happens to be a favorite piece of mine remixed.

Rant Time!

For those of you unfamiliar with Rareware (gramers and n00bs alike) it was a video game development company headquartered in England. Rareware or Rare for short created some of the most renowned games of the first three generations of gaming. Literally it was one success after another. A three generational span of wins. Not too shabby at all from making the leaps between NES, SNES, and N64. To give you some idea of how awesome Rare was here's a few examples of generation leaps.

Thanks to Rare Battletoads exists. That arcade and eventually NES classic is an amazing multiplayer game where you run around as giant mutant toads named Zit, Rash (my choice character), and Pimple beating the crap out of enemies or in battle mode, each other. The color and textures, the creative level design and innovation with pick up weapons and vehicles, not to mention all the interesting bosses made for one sweet game to share with buddies or in my case an older brother.

A few classics followed on the SNES one of which I wrote an entire post about, the Donkey Kong Country Series. No longer the ape who stole Paulina from Mario, DK was recast as a hero who was now after his stolen banana hoard in strange new land of Donkey Kong Island. This game redefined what SNES graphics were capable of bringing forth pre-rendered 3D making for beautiful smooth movements through the ever challenging levels. The two sequels that followed (the 2nd in my eyes being the best of the banana bunch) kept the key principles of secrets, kremling bashing, and barrel exploding action that the first game brought to the world. Rare even threw in Cranky Kong to give some of the 80's kids nostalgia to the original DK arcade games.

Rare, why did you have to die?

My final example of generation awesomeness involves a game I royally suck at. Sure I could mention Conker's Bad Fur Day or Banjo-Kazooie which are two of my favorite adventure games of all time and two prominent Rareware games but that would be expected. Rather I'm bringing forth the game that I watched my big brother play over and over while he performed barrel rolls and allowed Flippy to die in scalding Arwing crashes; it's Star Fox 64.

Although I'm terrible at this game (stupid tank level) I still love it. The Arwing is an amazing vehicle to maneuver around the screen while fighting various minions of the galaxy. Although this game is home to some of the most irritating NPCs it brought a shade of reality that not everyone on your team is going to be kissing your ass the whole way through; I'm looking at you Falco. The amount of secrets, levels, and variability made this N64 classic one players still revisit despite being considered retro by today's standards.

So much goodness until 2002 when Microsoft decided to ruin everything. Rareware was bought out and its franchises divided between Microsoft and Nintendo. Microsoft gained Conker, Banjo, and the Perfect Dark series while Nintendo kept Donkey Kong and Star Fox. Rare was officially gone as the stronghold wingman of Nintendo.

Star Fox wise Nintendo has sucked ass with the series. Crystal really? Even Wolf isn't that strong of a character. With DK Nintendo took a back seat with the legendary ape causing him to appear in party games rather than racing (RIP Donkey Kong Racing) or sidescrollers. Eventually with the Wii Nintendo showed some sense (they've since lost it completely) and released Donkey Kong Country Returns which was a decent game filled with nostalgia, smooth sidescrolling joy, and difficult levels with secrets galore. Now...Microsoft...a word...

There aren't enough swears in every language combined to express my hatred for what you, Microsoft did to Rareware. You destroyed it. Just killed every brilliant part of the company. It's a bad sign when most of the employees refused to make the switch as well as the founding Stamper Brothers leaving you for good after you soul sucked their franchises into becoming B-List games.

Don't look to the right, it burns!

Banjo was turned into a creepy bear only capable of crashing half-assed vehicles into the ground rather than the tag team duo of bird and bear conquering the many obstacles and paintings found in Grunti's lair. Why?

Please, just put the jacket on!

Suddenly Joanna Dark became all boob and NO awesome FPS gun gameplay in the Perfect Dark Zero release. Sure she was hot on the N64 which was fine since she was the female version of James Bond. However on the N64 she actually kicked ass and shot the shit out of her enemies. Bring forth the 360 installment where there's nothing but a cheap version of Lara Croft running around with shitty pistols unaware of enemy fire. Run Joanna, it's all you're good at.

Conker, oh Conker. This might be the saddest tale ever. Rare had a sequel Conker game lined up that involved Conker spending all the kingdom's money on booze which led to him being booted from the throne. That alone sets up the dark and problem riddled world filled with cute animals, bright colors, and swearing left and right that is the Conker franchise. Rather than be sensible, Microsoft decided to reboot the game making Conker into an orange puff ball as well as ripping out the multi-player classics and censoring the game further. Uh what? Since when did the newer generations require more censorship on mature rated games? Seriously? You were supposed to be Live and Uncut instead of Sheltered and Damp. Microsoft, you monster you.

I'm hypocrite of course. I use a PC whom I love dearly (Rikki <3) and am a fan of the 360 and original Xbox console. So really I'm giving Microsoft money each year since I buy their products despite hating them, nay fucking loathing them with every flame of hatred in my body for ruining the company that gave my video game moments in childhood so much happiness and nostalgia. Despite this I still use the product (mainly because I don't enjoy using Macs since being a gamer with a Mac is a major setback). Still I haven't properly stood up against the Rareware crimes of Microsoft.

That changes now. Microsoft wants feedback they'll have it. I've written, commented, and supported groups who want Nintendo to change its ways since the Wii U disaster of E3 2011. Nintendo has received my feedback. It's not much, might not make a difference, but it's doing something. I've finally decided to do the same with Microsoft and Rareware. Since Rare is still owned 100% by Microsoft they are the ones to complain to properly and they are the ones who will consistently receive my feedback. As a gamer in a world of overpriced systems, dying franchises, and failing companies it is somewhat my responsibility to let those who control the games know what's going on.

This was a rant about Rareware. I love you Rare and you'll always be in my systems and on my top charts. I'll do my best to avenge your fall.

Far Longer than Forever

Something to enjoy while reading...

 

Animal Crossing, Some Pixelated Xanax

Winter is upon us dear audience! Finally the world has become cold and frosty in the regions of the Windy City. What better way to warm up after a soothing icy day than with a video game? Well let's add in some hot cider, a few blankets, and a cat. Bamn, super snugly and relaxed. Just make sure the video game is tranquilizing like a strong narcotic.

I'm wondering how many of you knew I was going to write about Animal Crossing? I did hint at it in the Ocarina of Time blog but you might not have reached the end of that long overly hyper post. Well in any case now you know audience. It's Animal Crossing, the brain melter of video games. More so than Harvest Moon which is saying something since HM is a farming game. For this post I am strictly sticking to Animal Crossing for Game Cube. The only recent sequel that I've played is Wild World which due to the "globe effect" made me incredibly dizzy. Game Cube only zone.

Right so niblet/small chunks of info time:

• You are a human character living in a town inhabited by personified animals
• Your landlord is a Raccoon (actually Tanuki) named Tom Nook, he's kinda a douche
• The game never ends, ever
• The "goal" of the game is to have a perfect town with fifteen happy inhabitants
• The only violence in the game is hitting a neighbor with your bug catching net
• You can visit friend's towns if you have their memory card
• My brother Pete despises this game

The game begins with you creating your town via K.K. Slider, the local beatnik beagle musician. He just appears playing his guitar under a lamp shade and asks you what the date is. This setting is how the game always starts except after you move into your brand new town you will be greeted by a random resident every time you load your file. It's just the game being Animal Crossing.

So the game actually starts on a train. You are sitting by yourself when Rover this blue cat decides to sit down across from you. Even if you tell him to stay the fuck away from you he still sits down and remarks on how nice it is to know there are still rude people in the world. Stupid cat.

The conversation with Rover not only enables you to make your name but also decide your town name, face, and gender. Of course in deciding your face you're in the dark. Rover just asks you a series of questions and depending on your answers if the face you'll receive. Rover also calls up Tom Nook since you don't have a house to move into. Nook has houses "dirt cheap too" and would be willing to allow you to move in. Sigh, Rover for being such a pain in the ass you actually saved our character's ass from being homeless. Still you suck.

After you arrive you move in, become indebted to Nook (this lasts a long while), meet your neighbors, work for Nook (being his little delivery slave), and then finally are free to do whatever you want. Ah once all the beginning crap is over the game truly becomes a drug. A delicious relaxing drug.

Animal crossing is whatever game you make it to be. The amount of hours Jenny, KC, and I clocked in on this game are ridiculous. Oh yeah, I've been playing this game steadily since I was about ten years old. It's just a past-time for me. Whether it be collecting specimens for the museum, performing rewarding tasks for my animal friends, partaking in holiday events, or just playing NES games; this game made/makes me happy. Time to talk about specifically what makes me happiest. Heh heh, fun part!

The coolest part of AC are the NES games, hands down. In AC you can purchase/win various NES games that actually work! Yes you can play a variety of NES titles in your AC file. My favorite would have to be Wario Woods which took me forever to win from my stupid Island resident Bliss. Stupid squirrel, just gimme the damn game!

There's also, Donkey Kong, DK Jr Math, Clu Clu Land, Balloon Fight (another favorite), Excitebike, Baseball, and a bunch more I'm forgetting. The NES games enable you to forget about pulling weeds or the massive debt Nook has you under. Instead you can drift into the puzzle world as Toad trying to save the forest from the likes of Wario and his evil bat-things. Ah, wonderful.

For the actual AC game (meaning not in the NES worlds) a definite favorite is holiday events, especially the winter festivals. AC has a whole calendar of holidays that mimic real life events as well as random days like Officer Day and Founders Day. The Christmas equivalent holiday is the best though because you can make a ton of money and the next day receive gifts and cards from your friends and "mom" due to the holiday season.

Jingle is the gift-giving reindeer who gives players gifts if you find him and bother him enough. What he gives you is part of the Jingle series which consist of rare pieces of furniture.

Rare equals high sell price. Muwhaha goodbye debt. What makes this event fun is the process of badgering Jingle. He really doesn't like to be bothered but he has rare gifts so too bad. Plus if you change outfits outside the acre he's in Jingle won't recognize you and will continue to give gifts away. Heh heh, such a giving spirit. Plus the furniture enables you to score a high HRA score so there's that too.

To any of you who have played AC the name Katrina will ring a bell (get it bell?! oh Animal Crossing humor at its worst). This panther (I always thought she was an otter) tells fortunes which often have comical effects. My favorite is where your character falls on their face constantly. It's just hilarious to be running and then to suddenly eat dirt. Haha, poor virtual Mary you just had your ass kicked by the ground. Trip again!

Katrina also can make all the villages hate you or have all the male villagers profess their love to you. It's a lot of fun receiving fortunes from this panther/otter thing. By the way this is how she predicts the future:

On the beach,

a back-talking

watermelon will

be eating butter

Heh, ridiculous. Butter.

Now audience I could go on and on about the many relaxing activities of Animal Crossing, seriously the list doesn't end, but that'd be missing the point. Whatever you love about this game is what you make it. The game has no deadlines meaning you don't have to worry while playing it. The time just continues without anxiety. Enjoy yourself, that's all.

Couldn't resist this. Happens so many times!

Now here's a tune that we AC lovers adore. It sets up the game every time we load the disc. Animal Crossing take me away, far far away from here.

Ok so the hint for the next post is one word: Deuce.  

Ocarina of Time, Zelda Month

Break out the champagne and fluff up those couch cushions. It is time for Zelda month, the greatest month of the year! Why it happens in November I don't know, though I have a theory that it has something to do with Thanksgiving...In any case it's the moment you've all (and by you I mean me) have been waiting for audience; it is finally time for a full length Legend of Zelda review. Since you can't go wrong with this game and it was technically the first Zelda game I ever beat, Ocarina of Time away! Oh, if you want to listen to my favorite track from Ocarina of Time, just scroll to the very bottom and hit play. It's a good one.

I'll start how I always start with a bullet list of random niblets about the game:

• You are the hero of time known as Link, starting at age 11.
• The goal of this game is to stop Ganondorf the prince of darkness from ruling the world. 
• Also saving your girlfriend! Wait no. They don't end up together, uh best friend? Yeah but, um best friend you're in love with? Sure that works. Welcome to the friend zone Link.
• This game includes time travel which jumps Link seven years into the future and causes the creation of the three separate Zelda timelines. Yippee...
• You can wear masks in this game just for fun.
• As an adult you can win a cow from Malon the ranch girl. 
• Link doesn't talk, like ever.
• This game supports all the lefties of the world.

Ok that's a sufficient list of somewhat important bits to the game and completely useless bits that I find amusing. So where to start with the actual core of the game? I know, weapons!

The Zelda universe enjoys crafting a variety of weapons, armor, and items for Link to use on his numerous quests across Hyrule/Termina/Skyloft. My favorite "weapon" of all time would have to be the Pegasus boots from Link to the Past because you not only receive them early on in the game but they are amusing. Very amusing. Sadly Ocarina of Time (OoT) does not have the Pegasus boots, poor Link will have to not suffer me smashing him into every tree imaginable in the game. Shame.

No OoT has instead the iron boots (rather boring unless you decide to backflip in them) and the hover boots. Also normal boots which do nothing. The hover boots cause everything to be slippery and enable Link to hover for short distances. They are necessary to beat the game but aren't too much fun to play with.

Besides boots you can wear tunics of different colors as well as different types of shields and gauntlets. I have to say I was pretty pissed when Link ended up with the golden gauntlets in the end since they didn't match my awesome Mirror Shield and red tunic combo. The goldness just threw it off! Gosh Nintendo, be more fashionable. Note, those were my inner thoughts as an 11 year old child (the word "girl" doesn't really define my preteen self. Just doesn't).

So back to weapons. Well in this game my favorite weapon is the fire arrows. Not only are they arrows (right direction) they are on fire, constantly! Sure they use magic but who fucking cares? Magic potions are sixty rupees (very cheap) and fire arrows kick ass. Die Poe die! Plus you are bestowed the fire arrows after you complete the Water Temple. Yeah I'm going to avoid the "Water Temple" rant in this blog maybe forever in life if I can. Last time I played OoT I beat the Water Temple in thirty minutes which included finding all five golden skulltula tokens. Last point on fire arrows, they make a funny noise when you equip them. It's just a funny noise. I don't know I like it. Still fire!!!

The worst weapon in the game and by worst I mean most useless in essentially everything; the deku nuts. In the beginning Link is supposed to use them to blind his enemies by smashing a deku nut onto the ground but you never really do that. Instead this happens.

"What's this, I found a slingshot that actually kills my enemies instead of simply stunning them for 1.2 seconds? How incredible! What is the point of stunning enemies when they die in two hits from a distance?"

Fuck you deku nuts. You take up the space that Pegasus Boots could have filled! Still I'll max out my holding capacity for you to fifty no matter what because I'm addicted. The first step is admitting it audience.

Another useless (kinda) but extremely rad weapon in the game is the ice arrows. The same could be said for the light arrows but you really only require them for Ganondorf so I don't have too much gripe about the magic devouring arrows of light. No, the ice arrows are a completely optional weapon. 

Fun fact, Nintendo originally planned to have the Water Temple be an ice temple (probably where the fire arrows would've been used) and the Forest Temple be a wind temple (ice arrows and iron boots). 

The ice arrows are something you can win from the Gerudo fortress after you become an honorary Gerudo thief. They freeze enemies as well as freeze small islands on the surface of water. I think it's a shame they weren't able to incorporate this weapon into the game because it is a lot of fun to use. Perhaps if they had stuck with the original Wind and Ice thing the ice arrows would've been more depended upon. Who knows. They kick ass in Majora's Mask so no hard feelings Nintendo.

Alright that covers weapons, let's move onto locations/scenery/oh my fucking gosh this world is huge!!! I become excited over Zelda games. Just a condition I suffer. The world of Hyrule is massive in this game. Just enormous. As a kid it's even bigger because you are a short preteen forest punk. Also night is terrifying as a kid. Watch and see if you end up in Hyrule field, after dark! 

Ah yes Hyrule field, the central core to the world of Hyrule. At its middle lies Lon Lon Ranch where Malon (the ranch girl) and her father Talon run a horse ranch. No surprises there. As a child you meet Malon, are promised her hand in marriage by Talon (who then revokes it because he was apparently "teasing you" grrrr), and you learn Epona's Song which causes the short tempered red horse Epona to love you.

Epona and Link

Eventually as an adult you can win Epona from Ingo who has taken over the ranch out of spite for Talon napping all the time. You can also murder cuccos safely with Epona. She gives you invincibility making it impossible for cuccos to hurt you so long as you are on her back. Heh, stupid chickens.

Beyond Lon Lon Ranch is a vast world of different climates ranging from an active volanco, to a serene lake, to a haunted desert, to a lush forest of twists and turns where when adults become lost they turn into Stalfos and when children become lost they turn into Skullkids without faces. Charming place isn't it? 

The most beautiful place in all of OoT has to be the Lost Woods. Specifically of course the Sacred Meadow

My dream house

where Saria likes to chill with her ocarina. It's green, it has catchy music, you can teleport to different areas of Hyrule without the ocarina of time, and it's fun to uncover secrets that lie in the woods. However, I swear the moment I discovered how much the world sucks as adult Link was when Saria wasn't there seven years later. I mean c'mon Saria, you said you'd wait for me always! Then I found the Forest Temple and was happy again. It's what I look for in real estate, twisted hallways and wolves mandatory.

I have mentioned two of the temples in the game which isn't sufficient. Each temple must have a mention because five out of the six kick ass! Yeah I'll say it, fuck you Water Temple. Your only redeeming quality is winning the longshot from Dark Link. The other temples though, well let's go down the list shall we?

• Forest Temple, darling you are my favorite of them all with your eery music, twisted hallways, elevator, indoor mote, climbable vines, illusions, and haunted paintings. I love you and want to own you.
• Fire Temple, you scared the crap out of me as a kid with all the falling doors and fire pits you had. Your music was terrifying and your dungeon weapon was kicking, Megaton Hammer forever Volvagia!
• Water Temple, Fuck you again.
• Shadow Temple, I also love you to pieces. The amount of illusions and invisible objects you possess is second to none. Why the sinking ship, the guillotines, and of course the scythes make you not only amazing to beat but fun to beat again and again. Also creepiest music ever <3
• Spirit Temple, one of the best bosses in the game no doubt as well as having two of the coolest additions of armor. I say a big yes to silver gauntlets and Mirror Shield. Plus the whole "wall of death" really inspired my imagination as a child.
• Temple of Time, thank you for pairing epic music with a handicap ramp. Also the time travelling is pretty sick.

Alright location is wrapped up, what's left? Oh just everything! I think though I'll focus on my favorite part of the game, dicking around.

Oh Zelda games are often wonderful games to dick around in because they come with a cluster of mini games and side quests. The only titles that come to mind that aren't built for dicking around would be Four Swords and Awakening. Both are simple and short titles so they aren't exactly dickable. But OoT is, it's very very VERY dickable audience. You're about to find out how dickable it is. Right now. And once more, dickable dicking around!

So the greatest mini game ever created in the Zelda universe is the Hylia Lake fishing hole. Note, specifically the fishing hole in OoT; Twilight Princess has a fishing hole but it's not as fun. The game where you win the frog lure is more appealing than the actual fishing. Back to OoT, yes this fishing hole is amazing for several reasons but mostly the ones listed below. Bullets, commence.

• The music from Kakariko Village plays in the background, so soothingly slow
• The fisherman is a giant douche, makes him funny
• As an adult you can steal the fisherman's hat revealing that he's bald!
• The sinking lure
• The music that plays when you snag a fish
• The winning music after catching a fish
• Winning the Golden Scale which enables you to dive deeper
• Seeing your fish on display as the record for largest catch
• The Hylian Loach

The fishing hole is such a simple game that strokes everyone's ego to the max. Catching a fish, breaking your record, pissing the fisherman off; ah it's nostalgic and magical. Definitely the highlight to dicking around.

There are several more mini games, even an optional mini dungeon in the thieve's fortress, but those are rather standard. You have your slingshot target as a kid which becomes the arrow target as an adult, the bombchu targets which are exploding mouse shaped bombs, horse racing at the Lon Lon ranch, and another target practice game at the Gerudo Fortress. Mostly they involve targets. Honestly after mini games side quests are the best things to dick around with. There are two I'm going to briefly mention since this blog post is turning into a novella.

First is Big Poe Hunting. No not Edgar Allen Poe, though I'm sure that's where Nintendo coined the name, but Poes which are ghost like beings who haunt Hyrule.

Big Poes are are specific breed of Poe who like to wear pointy hats and disappear quickly after teasing you with their laugh. Damn Poe laugh. There are ten Big Poes scattered throughout Hyrule field and only appear after you win Epona and acquire the fairy bow. 

Quick Tip, Fire arrows (the first of the magical arrows you can gain) do more damage than regular arrows. Hyrule field has plenty of grass patches to refill your magic bar so skip the potion and leave room in your bottles for Poes.

To this day I have to use the map in my guide book to find all ten Big Poes. I swear two of the bastards always allude me making it annoyingly impossible without help. Oh yeah, the purpose/reward for this side quest? Another bottle. Four is better than three, honestly fourth bottle totally worth it. You can gain this bottle after completely the Forest Temple since you really only need Epona and arrows. I'd still wait for the fire arrows but that's my opinion. Also forgot to mention, you turn this quest in to the creepy Poe master who lives in Hyrule market right by the draw bridge. He's a bit odd, only has one glowing red eye. 

The Second side quest is the Biggoron Sword. Aw yeah, third sword in the game/best sword in the game. That's right, the Master Sword (the master of all swords of course) is second best damage wise in Ocarina of Time. I blame it on the sword being old and originating from the most annoying sidekick known to Zelda. Yup more than Navi who I'll touch on soon. 

Biggoron Sword, yes yes. Well it all starts with cuccos and winning a blue cucco from the cucco lady in Kakariko Village as adult Link. It's not hard; you find all her cuccos in the cucco game, win an unhatched cucco from her, wait for the thing to hatch, find Talon who is sleeping in a house in Kakariko, use the baby cucco to wake him up, return to the cucco lady, and viola, you win a blue cucco. 

My Giant's Knife broke...

Now that's as far as I'll go with the Biggoron Sword side quest. It's far more fun to figure it out along the way than spoil it for you audience. Honestly as a kid I was so excited to see where I'd have to go next and what I'd receive in return until finally I had the unbreakable Biggoron Sword. Don't bother buying the Giant's Knife, piece of shit breaks after 100 swings.

So I've probably annoyed the fuck out of all of you with the length and hyperness of this post. Yes, overly hyper Mare! Well I'm nothing compared to Navi.

Navi is actually the logo I use without profit for this website. She is the fairy (or faerie) sidekick who is with Link from the beginning to the end. That's kinda how he earns the nickname "fairy boy" in the game by all these girls. No comment. 

Yes, best cosplay ever!

Anyhow Navi is famous for her line of "Hey, listen!" which she sputters every so too often when she wants to remind you to stop dicking around and to go back to your actual quest. No Navi, I like fishing! She is useful though. Navi enables "Z" targeting which allows you to target and then circle a specific enemy in order to attack from a distance repeatedly without having to re-aim. Really fucking useful actually. She also can give you hints on how to kill enemies. Except of course the final boss. Damnit Navi, the time I really REALLY need you. Oh wait it's just a game of catch. Ok!

Ah now that's a Zelda blog post. It has pictures and tips and lots of everything that I love and only small fragments of what I dislike. Perfect. In celebration of Zelda month and as a small escape from my busy schedule of too many essays, I hope you enjoyed the journey of Ocarina of Time through my eyes. Hmm maybe one day I'll actually do a recorded commentary on parts of the game. When I have time of course.

Hint for the next blog. It's going to be about a game where nothing dies except turnips. Even then they just rot.

Mystic Quest, hidden gem in Final Fantasy

Long time audience. Actual Halloween night was a lot fun since I spent it with two of my best friends in the whole wide world, Nay and Suzy. I'll post a pic of us three being adorable as soon as files are sent to me. Speaking of Halloween...I had some complaints about the Halloween post for being too "uncomfortable" of a read. Well shit, sorry that I freaked you out audience I was just giving you a small window into my head. I suppose that was too personal even for this space of internet. I'll try not to reveal too much of myself to you again, the post will stay there though. I actually rather liked it...

Time to go back to non terrifying topics. Mystic Quest, considered by many idiots players to be the "black sheep" of Final Fantasy (clearly they've never tried to go through VIII) is an SNES turn-based RPG. This game is a perfect intro to RPGs and is one that everyone can beat. It's an easy game. Sometimes it's nice to not have to be frustrated with a game and to just blissfully enjoy it. For all of you without an SNES it is available through PC emulators. Hopefully by the end of this blog you'll want to play the beauty that is Mystic Quest.

Some chunks of info:

• You are a lone hero named Benjamin/Zash who must save the world from the rule of the Dark King
• There are four main "lands" all themed around the ancient four elements that have been cursed
• Along the way you gain friends who can fight with you in battle
• There is a spell named exit
• Unlike other FF games you can actually see your enemies rather than enduring random battles

In the beginning you find yourself alone on a cliff. Apparently that's where you live with your family and friends except before your very eyes the village you love crumbles to the ground. Huh. You walk away devastated and run into a bloodthirsty monster. Oh, you only have a sword that resembles a toothpick as your weapon too. Crap. The monster luckily sucks in stats (otherwise this would be a very short game) and is defeated without too much trouble. Then an old man appears and gives you a sword that shoots laser beams when at full health. He leaves you with the mysterious words, "it's dangerous to go alone, take this!" Wait, that's not how it goes in Mystic Quest...

Right, there is an old man but he takes you to Focus Tower and explains that the world has gone to shit as the cliff you were just standing on collapses. My mistake earlier. It seems that mysterious old men in retro games tend to blur into the same character and that I enjoy making painful jokes just to annoy Brian. Sorry Noey. Well now the game is set up; you have your quest, you have your sword (it becomes less crappy), and you're soon to find your damsel.  Benjamin is ready to go save the day! 

The actual gameplay is something similar to other Final Fantasy titles (turn based) except for one major difference that I mentioned earlier. In most Final Fantasy games you cannot see your enemies. Instead you are at the mercy of the "random battles". We've all played Pokemon Red/Blue (if you haven't then immediately remove yourself from the gaming community) and have experienced the joy of the journey through Rock Tunnel. Fuck that place to hell. Every time I always think I have enough repel and then halfway through my supply magically goes from ten to zero. The zubats, not the zubats! 

My point was/is the random battle system sucks. Rather than having your enemies visible at all times, you wander around in fear of the screen shattering and a battle commencing. It's not as though the battles are hard (c'mon zubats) instead random battles occur far too frequently and produce weak enemies. Zubats (my favorite example) are more work to kill than they're worth since they use both "confuse ray" and "supersonic" on your pokemon and give almost null amounts of experience once defeated. Battle time should be spent on enemies that boost stats, demonstrate a challenge, and don't last ages. 

Mystic Quest does not have a random battle system (except for a brief period in the ice pyramid). Instead the enemies appear as sprites on the screen. If you approach one the battle begins and you hack and slash your way to victory. Once defeated the sprite of the enemy disappears, nifty right? So what this does is it gives you the player the choice on which enemies you want to fight and when. For reasons unknown this battle method did not stick after Mystic Quest in the Final Fantasy series. My theory is that everyone else doesn't mind and I'm simply more hyper and easily startled than the average player. Random battle screen shatters give me miniature heart-attacks...I still blame it on the zubats.

A huge perk to this game is the soundtrack. Scroll down the bottom and press play. You won't regret it I promise.

Ah I haven't mentioned characters yet, least not characters that are worth talking about (sorry old man). Mystic Quest gives Benjamin four companions who appear at different times in the game to assist him in his quest against the Dark King. They are as follows princess hippy (Kaeli), cheap ninja douche (Tristam), conflicted jock son (Reuben), and amazon female(?) warrior (Phoebe). Just so we're clear I do like these characters but those nicknames do sum them all up rather nicely. Phoebe is actually my favorite of the four; Tristam please stop trying to have me pay for your services because you're not putting out, whore!

So Phoebe, this is what she looks like,

According to Japan

According to Europe

And her actual Game Sprite

I'd say Japan has a closer match than Europe. Phoebe resembles a warrior because she is one. She has this awesome weapon called the Cat Claw which not only enables you to climb walls but also upgrades into the Dragon Claw which is the ancient form of hookshot. Ah Zelda references <3. Phoebe isn't the brightest sidekick you have in the game though, she um does some rather stupid stuff along the way. Phoebe you aren't a black mage, pyrotechnics should be left to the experts. Still Phoebe is a lovable character, all of the sidekicks are to be honest. I just enjoy giving them nicknames.

Besides weaponry and characters (I could on for hours) the game has spells. Muwhahaha magic! So there are black magic spells (elemental) to kill enemies with such as quake (there's something about tectonics), blizzard (out cold), fire (flames of wrath), and aero(plane?). Also wizard spells which are like more specific versions of black magic spells; meteor has a pretty cool visual sequence. Then you have your white magic spells (health) which are arguably the best and cheapest spells in the game. They are cure, heal, exit, and life. Exit is a lot of fun since it erases the enemy before you. Sadly you don't gain exp for erasing a monster but it's amusing to watch. 

Quick Tip: Heal is great for causing status changers to enemies and Cure works well on undead enemies. Experiment a bit and see what happens.

That's about all I have for Mystic Quest right now. I know I didn't go into the game's story line or fighting style much but I have my reasons. Mystic Quest is a relatively short game so if I went into detail about the story it would ruin most of it. I'd rather you play the game audience, experience it for yourself. The fighting style is turned based meaning one character attacks, then the other character attacks, then the enemies attack before it all repeats. Honestly turn based style fighting isn't a diverse topic. Alternating it is like trying to reinvent the wheel, underneath that new coat of paint it's still the same damn wheel.

Happily I was blasting the song below while writing this post. Finally the fantasy of having inspirational music mystically fits my quest to create blog posts. Too much?

                

Bloody Halloween Special

You all have full right to skip the video. I'm simply apologizing for this being an "early" Halloween post. I wish I fixed my bangs a bit...Anyhow just bypass that bit of youtube-ness for actual scary goodness.

Ok the title of this post is a slight lie. None of the games I'm about to mention include much blood. In fact none of the games are horror games. So sorry audience but that would be a "typical" Halloween themed video game blog. No, these are regular games that are not under the horror genre (sept partially the last one, depends on you view). They do have either a cut-scene or a level that has at one time given me a nightmare though.

Now I'm assuming you guys don't know but my nightmares have given other people nightmares. It's part of the imagination curse, your mind never stops! It honestly sucks most days. Just so you know a few basics audience, my nightmares must have the following requirements:

• The constant fear of death/me about to die
• They reoccur in my dreams
• They are typically dark (as in shading) or are completely washed out. Absent of pretty friendly colors.
• I never forget them
• They always finish/are never interrupted

This short sequence of games feature a few things in life that have terrified me. The interesting thing is they most likely won't terrify you. At least not in the same manner. Again, these are not horror themed games. That wouldn't be fun. If you want to actually play a "scary" title just grab Slender Man, Resident Evil Code Veronica, or Bio Shock and play with the lights out, alone, while wearing headphones. You're sure to shit-yourself then. Alright time for my list of abnormal video game frights. Oh yeah, I'll also include a short summary of the relating nightmare, just for kicks.

The Fifth Nightmare: Zelda Wind Waker

As always I need a Zelda title on my list. I will apologize in advance because one of the other Nightmare titles is another Zelda game. Sorry but that series dominated my childhood. You'll understand later why I included the second one, I simply had to. Back to this title though, Wind Waker? Very unconventional I know but it has perfect reason to be here.

In Wind Waker overly young cartoon Link finds himself in Hyrule castle. Pretty standard for a Zelda game except Hyrule castle is underwater and frozen in time. All the color has been drained from the castle and the enemies lurking have been converted into statues. The music is also eerie, has an echoed soulless feel to it. Needless to say this level is messed up. Of course though it only takes Link solving a Triforce puzzle to restore life to the castle. That part sucks because a crap ton of enemies are now ready to kill you. Thanks King of Red Lions, thanks a lot!

Still what disturbed me out as a kid was everything being frozen in a dead grey. The world was null, life had just stopped and yet Link could move freely. Creepy! After playing this particular level my mind decided to give me a dream that scared my middle schooler dreams for days.

The dream started with me walking my dog Stormy near my home. It was spring, grass was fresh, flowers were budding from leftover piles of frost; seemed like a happy setting. WRONG. Ay I hate it when my mind does this.
The world began to tilt, similar to an attack of vertigo. Everything suddenly slanted to the left. I heard the sound of rushing water, essentially a river. It was then that I noticed all the color was literally draining away. The grass became brittle and all movement stopped. 
I tried to run but tripped over my dog. Stormy had frozen in place as well and wouldn't move. I then felt my leg go numb and began to drag it behind me. The other lost feeling and I once more fell to the ground. My hands turned grey before my eyes as I lay helpless on the frozen grass. The last thing I remember was my throat being squeezed tighter and tighter until, I woke up. Onward to number four!

The Fourth Nightmare: Skyrim

Clearly this one is more recent due to the game being still relatively new (according to my standards) meaning this was an adult terror. Actually upon talking with my friends who play this game and browsing forums online this section of the game is agreed upon to be terrifying. I am of course talking about Dwemer ruins. Background info time!

Dwemer refers to the extinct dwarven race that once thrived in Tamriel as master inventors and innovators. Then they all were mysteriously wiped out: really does suck to be an Elder Scrolls dwarf. However all of their inventions which consisted purely of machines remained behind. This includes spheres, spiders, and automatons that are trained with the sole purpose of killing intruders. Also, each of them is made of a nice tarnished bronze. They click along the floors searching for you and will attack until they break or you become a pile of bloody flesh and bones.

Let's not forget the constant hiss of steam, deadly booby traps, and labyrinths that lead only to dead ends. It's a real hoot when a quest shoves you into a Dwemer mine. I always rush through until the Falmer area. I like Falmer, they somewhat resemble Gollum just without his glowing eyes.

Nightmare time. This one is probably one of the more "tame" nightmares out of the five I'm revealing today. Basically the setting is the Dwemer ruins except they are situated in the sky rather than underground. This means no possible escape, just empty sky below.
I was in the Dwemer ruins looking for my companions. I can't remember who they were just that I was lost. Everything was hazy due to the steam jetting out random pipes. All I could hear was hissing until a loud clang sounded. It echoed down the corridor I was in. I ducked behind a large brass pipe and waited as the noise grew louder and closer.
It then changed, the noise I mean. It became several little clicks instead. The clicks continued past me and disappeared down another corridor. I wait a few moments and then began to run. After maybe four steps I felt a pipe smash into my back. I collapsed to ground and heard clicking again. This time it was hundreds of legs. The last thing I remember is the pulling. All those legs, the clicks, pulling at me everywhere. 

The Third Nightmare: Conker's Bad Fur Day

Another lower graphic game (compared to today's standards) that scared the living shit out of me. Remember most of these happened to a much younger version of Mary. Plus my imagination makes up for graphics, thank you fucked up subconscious for ensuring that my nightmares are in high definition. In any case yes Conker's Bad Fur Day, the mature Rareware game for the N64. This game is mostly hilarious with all the swearing, the sexual content, amazing dialogue, and death to cute objects. To give any of you non-Conker players an idea of how far out this game is from the rest of Rare, one of the bosses is a giant opera singing pile of shit. No joke, google it.

I bet you're asking what could be so terrifying in a raunchy "cutsie" game like this? Zombie squirrels. That's right ZOMBIE squirrels. In my opinion one of the longest (and oddly enough one of my favorite) levels to play in this game involves Conker with a two barrel shotgun trying to escape a mansion filled with zombie squirrels. The only way to kill these suckers is a direct hit to their heads. With a double barrel shotgun...they aren't slow either and the way they kill you is by gnawing at your body. So the point is at a younger age (high school years I believe) I was trying to kill fast moving zombie squirrels with a shitty gun in a long as hell level. Yup, nightmares are born from that. Here we go.

This one I won't go into too much detail (oh yes there's more to this story) due to it being pretty graphic. I've written the full version down elsewhere but again, it's not pleasant to completely recount. In this nightmare I'm a spectator until the very end and is the only one where I scream for it to stop. Still not my worst though. Heh. 
The setting is a prison yard and involves a corrupt guard and a disturbing inmate who enjoys raping his victims while ripping their flesh off. Once the inmate is done he fuses a plastic mask to their faces, melted faces. The guard finds himself trapped in the cell with this maniac inmate and screams for help. Somehow the cell is opened and the guard runs. He sounds the warning alarm but when the other guards appear he sees that they are previous victims of the inmate, other prisoners in fact.
All of them walk like zombies, stumbling forward while their faces drip plastic. 
Suffice to say while being led by the maniac inmate the melting zombie inmates began to eat and rape the guard. The guard screams but his mouth is gagged with the maniac's cock. There's blood and the guard thrashes around as they chew/fuck his body to pieces. I yell for it to stop. I then feel them biting me, I'm the guard unable to yell, only pain and the gnawing of teeth and hands. I try to shout but the maniac just laughs. At that point I finally wake up.

The Second Nightmare: Fable

I hope that you all are going strong and aren't too frightened by any of this. I'm being more honest with you audience and it's all in the Halloween spirit. So Fable is a raunchy game kind of like Conker but on a different level. The sex is hilarious though, I encourage all Fable players to fuck in the first game. Naughty one aren't you? Moving on to scary bits!

There is a cutscene in Fable where you enter an area called "The Grey House". This small plot of land outside of Oakdale once belonged to the prominent Grey family who all mysteriously disappeared except for Lady Grey the allusive mayor of Bowerstone North. Anyways the house is abandoned, the area plays unnerving music, there aren't any enemies; it screams creepy.

Once your hero enters the Grey house a clock chimes and the undead begin to crawl out of the floorboards. That's new! You must kill all of them, who keep appearing, in the house because there's a magical barrier blocking the door. The undead moan, they limp around, they have no flesh; it's scary. Naturally I played this game around the age of twelve and was terrified by this area. I wouldn't go near the Grey house without my father or brother with me in the room. Nightmare time audience.

This one is shorter than the others but still affects me today. I'm just lying in my bed, nothing unusual about that I'm sleeping. Where else would I be? Well I hear the floorboards creak in my room which is odd since the boards aren't old at all. I don't see anything but I can hear something grow closer.
Suddenly I'm not in my bed. Instead I'm in a hallway whose only light is an open door at the end. The floorboards are creaking here as well, the sound almost running at me. I try to run but something grabs my legs. It's cold, so cold and drags me under the floor. I scream and find myself awake in my bed where it all stared.

The Final Nightmare: Zelda Majora's Mask

Told you there'd be another Zelda title. Does this one shock you? It's not a horror game but it definitely is a dark game. Majora's Mask takes place in the world of Termina which features a central village called Clock Town. Link was on a quest to find Navi (don't ask why he'd want to find her) and is ambushed in a mysterious forest outside of Hyrule. The dick who attacked Link/you was Skullkid a lost boy of the woods and his two faerie accomplices Tatl and Tael.

In this game Skullkid is sporting a creepy ass mask known as Majora's Mask. Besides knocking you off your horse (Epona) he decides to steal the ocarina of time as well as Epona. He then "takes care of Epona" after you find him and turns you into a deku scrub. Poor Link, so much shit to happen to the hero of time in one day. After making a deal with the pedophile mask's salesman Link discovers Clock Town and the giant smiling moon above him.

What exactly scared me in this game? Everything I mentioned is unpleasant but it actually was Skullkid's laugh. He has the most macabre laugh I've ever heard in a video game. His scream isn't enjoyable either. Still the laugh is what did it for my dreams as well as the dark forest. Last one audience, are you ready?

This one relates somewhat to the first nightmare, you'll see. I'm in a forest this time, one that never ends. Forests are beautiful but maddening when all alone and I am by myself. There is no wind and there are no animals around. Still I feel as though the forest is watching me.
I walk on and nothing seems to change. It's dark and yet a light seems to follow me, still when I look back there is only a black void. I then hear it, the laughter. It's quiet at first but slowly begins to grow louder. I quicken my pace and the laughter grows.
It's ringing in my ears and I'm running blindly trying to escape its deafening noise. I fall to ground covering my ears. I scream, but cannot hear my own voice. My throat then tightens, two hands around it the laughter stronger than ever. I can't scream, I just feel the hands crushing my throat. Finally I wake up gasping for air. 

How are you audience? Personally I feel alright letting these little personal terrors out into the internet. A common theme to my nightmares is being strangled (explains some of the ophidiophobia) as well as having my flesh gnawed off. Gruesome yes and lacking many typical fears like clowns, knives, guns, fire (childhood fear which I overcame with age), death of loved ones, etc. They do feature being alone, lack of color, and often me running/hiding. Those are normal I guess. 

This was a far more intimate blog than my others and I apologize if that was a bit much for some of you. I hope that you enjoyed my list of random games that featured "scary" parts to them. It's more fun to find something scary or something beautiful in a place when you don't expect to find it. As a comfort, remember all fear is of the mind. Hmmm that's not too comforting seeing as we can't leave our minds. Ah well, you're awake most of your life anyways. Enjoy your Halloween night and beware of the terrors that lurk in your dreams.

Games to play when bored, of everything

Audience hello again. I am really feeling the writing bug right now which I credit to the weather finally dropping Stateside. Just makes me so happy when coats and gloves must be worn outside. Summer I wish you'd just die forever.

Seasons aside this blog post will not be a review of one specific video game but rather a list of five games. Today's topic is as the title states, "Games to play when bored, of everything." We all have those days where no matter what we're bored. I'm not saying video games are the only solution to that (there are millions of other activities) but it is one solution I know a lot about from experience. Here are five video games in no particular order that I recommend playing when you are bored of life. P.S. I tried to vary it up so no, they are not all Zelda titles.

Numbuh Five: Fable The Lost Chapters

Alright most of you have figured out by now that I'm more of an old school gamer than new age player, also I'm definitely as far as it is from a gramer. To me Fable isn't an old game but that's my perspective; I still believe the Gamecube is a new system that's how stuck I am. It's difficult to explain I guess I just haven't "moved on" from that era when the Nintendo Revolution looked hopeful.

In any case Fable TLC is a Microsoft game for either PC or Xbox where you play as a "hero" of Albian. This game was unique for its time since it allowed you to choose what type of hero you wanted to be. The extremes were completely good (with a halo, butterflies, and blonde hair) or maxed out evil (veined horns, flies, and glowing eyes), but you could be somewhere in between if you wanted. I've become very adept at the game so much so that I align my character according to what kind of hair color I want him to have. It's usually between dusty blonde to platinum yellow.

Behold my dreamboat Maleficus

Oh yes, in this version of Fable you can only be male which I personally prefer. It's not fun when you're a female hero who is a bulky giant towering among the normal population (leveling up the "skill" experience tree will cause you to grow taller). Also being a dude in a game  means you care less if you're evil, that's just more fun. Plus fresh scars and tattoos just look better on a dude, least in my eyes.

This game is perfect for boredom because you can dick around so much. If you want to pillage a village go forth (just be a high enough level), if you want to own, operate, and abuse the Darkwood Bordello be my guest, if there's a house you want but some idiot is already living in it simply lure them away from town, slaughter them, and purchase the now vacant property. It's all doable. Let's not forget the sheer number of quests (The White Balverine in Knothole Glade is my favorite) and the great slightly sexy villain, Jack of Blades. If that doesn't sell you then Scythe will, he is hands down the most badass character known to Fable world. Scythe is an undead hero cursed with eternal life. He no longer has a lot of mass to him, mostly just rotting flesh. Trust me though he is fanfuckingtastic! Plus, fun fact, he's the only person you cannot kill in the game. My only gripe about this game is that Reaver isn't in it. Eh, Scythe still wins. Sorry Stephen Fry.

Numbuh Four: Diddy Kong Racing

Here's a major switch up from the Albian world. Diddy Kong Racing was first released on the N64 (my favorite version) and later on the Nintendo DS. It's available through several emulators on the PC as well in case you don't have either system.

Now audience you're probably asking, Mare why the hell would you play a racing game when bored? It's true that this seems like an odd choice but I have good reason to include it on this list. Unlike normal racing game one player modes, Diddy Kong Racing has an adventure story mode. You have an overworld, there are secrets, even a few hidden characters to unlock. Plus this racing game comes with the plane option.

There are three vehicles in Diddy Kong Racing; the car, the hovercraft (it's really not that epic), and the plane. The hovercraft is the biggest piece of shit in the world since the controls are so sensitive on the damn thing. Basically it looks like an inner-tube with a jet on the back. Imagine putting a jet on the back of your inflatable childhood inner-tube. Might be funny to watch as your younger sibling soars into the air during the test trials but it boils down to being a shit vehicle.

Hold up, don't let the hovercraft ruin this game for you. With practice (through adventure mode) you can become boss at the hovercraft. I have which forces my friends to make me play as the hovercraft on most levels since I destroy them otherwise. Heh, bragger over here! Still the plane is so much fun to use and most levels require either the car or the plane.

 Ah yes the racing levels which you unlock in adventure mode are not only colorful but occupy five different themed worlds. You have your dinosaur theme (Hot Top Volcano!), the winter theme, a paradise island, a medieval castle town, and even a futuristic space world. For racing games those themes really can't be beat, except for rainbow road in all MarioKart titles.

I suppose in short this game is great for boredom because it includes different levels, various vehicles, stat oriented characters, and a unique one player mode. Honestly it's great to not have to think about puzzles sometimes and just hit the road, or the water, or the skies. Take your pick they're all there.

Numbuh Three: Skies of Arcadia Legends

Ah, good old Dreamcast may you rest in pieces. The Dreamcast was perhaps the saddest and most amazing system to have ever hit the video game world. It was beyond its time which ultimately caused its downfall due to mechanical flaws and pricing. Still it will always be a revolutionary system with some of the greatest games ever designed and played.

One of those games is Skies of Arcadia. Time to be honest with you audience, I don't own nor do I actively play the Dreamcast system. I'm also personally not a fan of emulators, just me being picky. So how is it that I've played this marvelous game? Well the word "legends" might give it away to some of you. Skies of Arcadia Legends is the Gamecube port of the original Dreamcast game. I do own and love my Gamecube. I was even able to snag a used copy with the case leaflet still inside. Pretty sweet.

So what is Skies of Arcadia? Well in short it's a turn based RPG that takes place in a world of floating islands and sky pirates. That's right, you are able to be a sky pirate (a Blue Rogue) in this game and even have ship battles where you blast other people out of the sky with cannons. MIND BLOWN! There's also magic in this game for all you mana lovers out there. The spells are actually kickin' as are the special moves. Oh those special moves are so great at high levels; they even come with optional cut scenes!

The characters themselves are fascinating especially the villains. My favorite bad guy has to be De Loco. He is this short tempered genius who often passes out after becoming too excited over something. He's just great to laugh at.

Gilder!

For main characters Vyse takes the spotlight with Aika and Fina at his side. That is something with Skies of Arcadia, it's always a threesome since Vyse never makes it clear whom he prefers. Gilder is my personal favorite character because he is a gunslinger pirate (I wonder why I fancy him?) who leads his own crew of Blue Rogues and assists Vyse on his journey.

Why is this game worth playing when you're bored? If flying pirate ships and battles aren't enough to satisfy you I don't know what will in the world. Maybe this?

It's Picollo!

Right, moving on to the next title.

Numbuh Two: Star Wars the Old Republic

Besides Maplestory SWtOR is my choice of MMO. It is a beautiful game, literally visually stunning. I of course chose the dark side and am in fact an evil Sith cyborg with an English accent. I play this game with my brother Pete and my friend Brian but you can play it alone and have a lot of fun. Solo play has the advantage of seeing more of your story mode and developing your companions as well. Plus there aren't the risks of spoilers. Heh, right more about the game.

SWtOR takes place in the Star Wars universe during one strand of the ongoing war between the Empire and the Republic. Random, did you ever notice the Empire seal looks like a snowflake?

Anyways you start off as an apprentice/padawan on the home planet of your alliance. Once you've leveled up enough you can fly out to other planets and kick the crap out of new enemies.

I'm cheap as hell when it comes to online gaming. If there's a demo I'll play it but I'll never hit subscribe to any game out there. Accounts can be hacked and I lose interest in games and won't touch them for months at a time. So if you're like me you can play SWtOR without paying you just will level up slower, have less selection on race, and a few other restrictions that on the whole don't matter. You can play for for free, that's all that matters.

This game is a great relief for boredom because the world is so incredibly massive. The amount of planets and quests is amazing. Plus you can slaughter enemies, upgrade armor, and dance around noobs in your underwear scarring them for life. Ah, good times. Basically it's like Fable where you can mess around with the game, only in Star Wars there are millions of real life people to bother.

It's time for Numbuh One: The Legend of Zelda, Twilight Princess

Ha, I said they all wouldn't be Zelda titles not that I wouldn't have at least one title on the list. Don't worry I promised myself I would only talk about what makes this a great game to play when bored not how it's amazing Zelda game with so many awesome parts! Kay, adjectives aside let's proceed.

So Twilight Princess (has nothing to do with sparkly vampires) is both a Nintendo Gamecube game as well as a Wii game. I of course prefer the Gamecube version since motion control can go screw itself with a rusted pipe.

A large complaint about this game is the vastness of the overworld, primarily the size of Hyrule field. What? Again, WHAT?! I am sick of people dissing on Hyrule field. It helps make the game more enjoyable to play especially in boredom. There are so many secrets in this game, the mother load being the Cave of Ordeals (shiver even as a skilled Zelda player that dungeon is hard). I love exploring the world of Hyrule especially just for fun, not even for a side quest. And besides in this game you don't have to roll on the ground to increase your speed, simply turn into a wolf and sprint!

That's right Link goes all animal in this game. I'm a tad disturbed that this feature makes me more attracted to a fictional character but it does make Link tougher. In fact this game showcases possibly the oldest Link (age 18 so he is legal!) and the strongest as well. Link's tunic bears a chain mail armor, he wears thick leather gauntlets, and has cotton trousers on rather than tights. Let's all just look at the picture of Link. Little more. Just wait. Few more moments. And. And. Annnnd. Ok! Phew we're all good.

So besides staring at Link in all his amazing glory this game is a lot of fun to play and (like the other titles) to dick around in. There is a huge variety of weapons in this game including arrow bombs (hell yes!) and the double claw shot (spider Link, spider Link). You may see where I'm going with this audience. If ever you don't know what to do in the game or you've just completed a temple and want to relax try the Mary tactic of blowing enemies up with bomb arrows while riding Epona or jump wall to wall in various places with the power of two claws. The double hookshot clawshot is my favorite weapon of this game and is only beaten by the Pegasus boots from Link to the Past.

Other dickable parts of the game include the minigames which there are a plenty (the fishing isn't as fun as the Ocarina of Time fishing hole but I blame that on the music). My personal favorite is where you control a giant bird soaring through a cavern and have to burst giant balloons of fruit while avoiding all obstacles. It's pretty fun. There's also Agatha the creepy bug collector who I suspect wants to have half human half fly offspring. She says some pretty weird shit but gives you a lot of rupees when you bring her golden bug specimen for her "fairy ball". She's cute, just uncanny and bipolor.

If that doesn't convince you to pick up this game when bored then probably nothing will. You just don't like to goof off in video games that's all there is to it. Maybe I should throw in that this happens!

Shirtless and still receives service

Putting my life long love of Link aside you should give this game a go, even if you're not bored of life. That does help though, then you can play through the game in a matter of days. It has a huge world to explore, secrets, side quests, minigames, unique weapons, and a wolf form. C'mon, you know you want to play.

Aight audience you have now been bestowed with not only one but five game titles that can save you from boredom. If video games aren't your forte then why the hell are you reading this? I mean I only talk about gaming on this site. Why else would you be here if not to seek more knowledge/viewpoints about video games? I probably just lost a few readers but then again I am writing for the gamer section of my audience. 

Tangents aside I hope you all enjoyed this bit of pixelation. Til next time!