Ocarina of Time, Zelda Month

Break out the champagne and fluff up those couch cushions. It is time for Zelda month, the greatest month of the year! Why it happens in November I don't know, though I have a theory that it has something to do with Thanksgiving...In any case it's the moment you've all (and by you I mean me) have been waiting for audience; it is finally time for a full length Legend of Zelda review. Since you can't go wrong with this game and it was technically the first Zelda game I ever beat, Ocarina of Time away! Oh, if you want to listen to my favorite track from Ocarina of Time, just scroll to the very bottom and hit play. It's a good one.

I'll start how I always start with a bullet list of random niblets about the game:

• You are the hero of time known as Link, starting at age 11.
• The goal of this game is to stop Ganondorf the prince of darkness from ruling the world. 
• Also saving your girlfriend! Wait no. They don't end up together, uh best friend? Yeah but, um best friend you're in love with? Sure that works. Welcome to the friend zone Link.
• This game includes time travel which jumps Link seven years into the future and causes the creation of the three separate Zelda timelines. Yippee...
• You can wear masks in this game just for fun.
• As an adult you can win a cow from Malon the ranch girl. 
• Link doesn't talk, like ever.
• This game supports all the lefties of the world.

Ok that's a sufficient list of somewhat important bits to the game and completely useless bits that I find amusing. So where to start with the actual core of the game? I know, weapons!

The Zelda universe enjoys crafting a variety of weapons, armor, and items for Link to use on his numerous quests across Hyrule/Termina/Skyloft. My favorite "weapon" of all time would have to be the Pegasus boots from Link to the Past because you not only receive them early on in the game but they are amusing. Very amusing. Sadly Ocarina of Time (OoT) does not have the Pegasus boots, poor Link will have to not suffer me smashing him into every tree imaginable in the game. Shame.

No OoT has instead the iron boots (rather boring unless you decide to backflip in them) and the hover boots. Also normal boots which do nothing. The hover boots cause everything to be slippery and enable Link to hover for short distances. They are necessary to beat the game but aren't too much fun to play with.

Besides boots you can wear tunics of different colors as well as different types of shields and gauntlets. I have to say I was pretty pissed when Link ended up with the golden gauntlets in the end since they didn't match my awesome Mirror Shield and red tunic combo. The goldness just threw it off! Gosh Nintendo, be more fashionable. Note, those were my inner thoughts as an 11 year old child (the word "girl" doesn't really define my preteen self. Just doesn't).

So back to weapons. Well in this game my favorite weapon is the fire arrows. Not only are they arrows (right direction) they are on fire, constantly! Sure they use magic but who fucking cares? Magic potions are sixty rupees (very cheap) and fire arrows kick ass. Die Poe die! Plus you are bestowed the fire arrows after you complete the Water Temple. Yeah I'm going to avoid the "Water Temple" rant in this blog maybe forever in life if I can. Last time I played OoT I beat the Water Temple in thirty minutes which included finding all five golden skulltula tokens. Last point on fire arrows, they make a funny noise when you equip them. It's just a funny noise. I don't know I like it. Still fire!!!

The worst weapon in the game and by worst I mean most useless in essentially everything; the deku nuts. In the beginning Link is supposed to use them to blind his enemies by smashing a deku nut onto the ground but you never really do that. Instead this happens.

"What's this, I found a slingshot that actually kills my enemies instead of simply stunning them for 1.2 seconds? How incredible! What is the point of stunning enemies when they die in two hits from a distance?"

Fuck you deku nuts. You take up the space that Pegasus Boots could have filled! Still I'll max out my holding capacity for you to fifty no matter what because I'm addicted. The first step is admitting it audience.

Another useless (kinda) but extremely rad weapon in the game is the ice arrows. The same could be said for the light arrows but you really only require them for Ganondorf so I don't have too much gripe about the magic devouring arrows of light. No, the ice arrows are a completely optional weapon. 

Fun fact, Nintendo originally planned to have the Water Temple be an ice temple (probably where the fire arrows would've been used) and the Forest Temple be a wind temple (ice arrows and iron boots). 

The ice arrows are something you can win from the Gerudo fortress after you become an honorary Gerudo thief. They freeze enemies as well as freeze small islands on the surface of water. I think it's a shame they weren't able to incorporate this weapon into the game because it is a lot of fun to use. Perhaps if they had stuck with the original Wind and Ice thing the ice arrows would've been more depended upon. Who knows. They kick ass in Majora's Mask so no hard feelings Nintendo.

Alright that covers weapons, let's move onto locations/scenery/oh my fucking gosh this world is huge!!! I become excited over Zelda games. Just a condition I suffer. The world of Hyrule is massive in this game. Just enormous. As a kid it's even bigger because you are a short preteen forest punk. Also night is terrifying as a kid. Watch and see if you end up in Hyrule field, after dark! 

Ah yes Hyrule field, the central core to the world of Hyrule. At its middle lies Lon Lon Ranch where Malon (the ranch girl) and her father Talon run a horse ranch. No surprises there. As a child you meet Malon, are promised her hand in marriage by Talon (who then revokes it because he was apparently "teasing you" grrrr), and you learn Epona's Song which causes the short tempered red horse Epona to love you.

Epona and Link

Eventually as an adult you can win Epona from Ingo who has taken over the ranch out of spite for Talon napping all the time. You can also murder cuccos safely with Epona. She gives you invincibility making it impossible for cuccos to hurt you so long as you are on her back. Heh, stupid chickens.

Beyond Lon Lon Ranch is a vast world of different climates ranging from an active volanco, to a serene lake, to a haunted desert, to a lush forest of twists and turns where when adults become lost they turn into Stalfos and when children become lost they turn into Skullkids without faces. Charming place isn't it? 

The most beautiful place in all of OoT has to be the Lost Woods. Specifically of course the Sacred Meadow

My dream house

where Saria likes to chill with her ocarina. It's green, it has catchy music, you can teleport to different areas of Hyrule without the ocarina of time, and it's fun to uncover secrets that lie in the woods. However, I swear the moment I discovered how much the world sucks as adult Link was when Saria wasn't there seven years later. I mean c'mon Saria, you said you'd wait for me always! Then I found the Forest Temple and was happy again. It's what I look for in real estate, twisted hallways and wolves mandatory.

I have mentioned two of the temples in the game which isn't sufficient. Each temple must have a mention because five out of the six kick ass! Yeah I'll say it, fuck you Water Temple. Your only redeeming quality is winning the longshot from Dark Link. The other temples though, well let's go down the list shall we?

• Forest Temple, darling you are my favorite of them all with your eery music, twisted hallways, elevator, indoor mote, climbable vines, illusions, and haunted paintings. I love you and want to own you.
• Fire Temple, you scared the crap out of me as a kid with all the falling doors and fire pits you had. Your music was terrifying and your dungeon weapon was kicking, Megaton Hammer forever Volvagia!
• Water Temple, Fuck you again.
• Shadow Temple, I also love you to pieces. The amount of illusions and invisible objects you possess is second to none. Why the sinking ship, the guillotines, and of course the scythes make you not only amazing to beat but fun to beat again and again. Also creepiest music ever <3
• Spirit Temple, one of the best bosses in the game no doubt as well as having two of the coolest additions of armor. I say a big yes to silver gauntlets and Mirror Shield. Plus the whole "wall of death" really inspired my imagination as a child.
• Temple of Time, thank you for pairing epic music with a handicap ramp. Also the time travelling is pretty sick.

Alright location is wrapped up, what's left? Oh just everything! I think though I'll focus on my favorite part of the game, dicking around.

Oh Zelda games are often wonderful games to dick around in because they come with a cluster of mini games and side quests. The only titles that come to mind that aren't built for dicking around would be Four Swords and Awakening. Both are simple and short titles so they aren't exactly dickable. But OoT is, it's very very VERY dickable audience. You're about to find out how dickable it is. Right now. And once more, dickable dicking around!

So the greatest mini game ever created in the Zelda universe is the Hylia Lake fishing hole. Note, specifically the fishing hole in OoT; Twilight Princess has a fishing hole but it's not as fun. The game where you win the frog lure is more appealing than the actual fishing. Back to OoT, yes this fishing hole is amazing for several reasons but mostly the ones listed below. Bullets, commence.

• The music from Kakariko Village plays in the background, so soothingly slow
• The fisherman is a giant douche, makes him funny
• As an adult you can steal the fisherman's hat revealing that he's bald!
• The sinking lure
• The music that plays when you snag a fish
• The winning music after catching a fish
• Winning the Golden Scale which enables you to dive deeper
• Seeing your fish on display as the record for largest catch
• The Hylian Loach

The fishing hole is such a simple game that strokes everyone's ego to the max. Catching a fish, breaking your record, pissing the fisherman off; ah it's nostalgic and magical. Definitely the highlight to dicking around.

There are several more mini games, even an optional mini dungeon in the thieve's fortress, but those are rather standard. You have your slingshot target as a kid which becomes the arrow target as an adult, the bombchu targets which are exploding mouse shaped bombs, horse racing at the Lon Lon ranch, and another target practice game at the Gerudo Fortress. Mostly they involve targets. Honestly after mini games side quests are the best things to dick around with. There are two I'm going to briefly mention since this blog post is turning into a novella.

First is Big Poe Hunting. No not Edgar Allen Poe, though I'm sure that's where Nintendo coined the name, but Poes which are ghost like beings who haunt Hyrule.

Big Poes are are specific breed of Poe who like to wear pointy hats and disappear quickly after teasing you with their laugh. Damn Poe laugh. There are ten Big Poes scattered throughout Hyrule field and only appear after you win Epona and acquire the fairy bow. 

Quick Tip, Fire arrows (the first of the magical arrows you can gain) do more damage than regular arrows. Hyrule field has plenty of grass patches to refill your magic bar so skip the potion and leave room in your bottles for Poes.

To this day I have to use the map in my guide book to find all ten Big Poes. I swear two of the bastards always allude me making it annoyingly impossible without help. Oh yeah, the purpose/reward for this side quest? Another bottle. Four is better than three, honestly fourth bottle totally worth it. You can gain this bottle after completely the Forest Temple since you really only need Epona and arrows. I'd still wait for the fire arrows but that's my opinion. Also forgot to mention, you turn this quest in to the creepy Poe master who lives in Hyrule market right by the draw bridge. He's a bit odd, only has one glowing red eye. 

The Second side quest is the Biggoron Sword. Aw yeah, third sword in the game/best sword in the game. That's right, the Master Sword (the master of all swords of course) is second best damage wise in Ocarina of Time. I blame it on the sword being old and originating from the most annoying sidekick known to Zelda. Yup more than Navi who I'll touch on soon. 

Biggoron Sword, yes yes. Well it all starts with cuccos and winning a blue cucco from the cucco lady in Kakariko Village as adult Link. It's not hard; you find all her cuccos in the cucco game, win an unhatched cucco from her, wait for the thing to hatch, find Talon who is sleeping in a house in Kakariko, use the baby cucco to wake him up, return to the cucco lady, and viola, you win a blue cucco. 

My Giant's Knife broke...

Now that's as far as I'll go with the Biggoron Sword side quest. It's far more fun to figure it out along the way than spoil it for you audience. Honestly as a kid I was so excited to see where I'd have to go next and what I'd receive in return until finally I had the unbreakable Biggoron Sword. Don't bother buying the Giant's Knife, piece of shit breaks after 100 swings.

So I've probably annoyed the fuck out of all of you with the length and hyperness of this post. Yes, overly hyper Mare! Well I'm nothing compared to Navi.

Navi is actually the logo I use without profit for this website. She is the fairy (or faerie) sidekick who is with Link from the beginning to the end. That's kinda how he earns the nickname "fairy boy" in the game by all these girls. No comment. 

Yes, best cosplay ever!

Anyhow Navi is famous for her line of "Hey, listen!" which she sputters every so too often when she wants to remind you to stop dicking around and to go back to your actual quest. No Navi, I like fishing! She is useful though. Navi enables "Z" targeting which allows you to target and then circle a specific enemy in order to attack from a distance repeatedly without having to re-aim. Really fucking useful actually. She also can give you hints on how to kill enemies. Except of course the final boss. Damnit Navi, the time I really REALLY need you. Oh wait it's just a game of catch. Ok!

Ah now that's a Zelda blog post. It has pictures and tips and lots of everything that I love and only small fragments of what I dislike. Perfect. In celebration of Zelda month and as a small escape from my busy schedule of too many essays, I hope you enjoyed the journey of Ocarina of Time through my eyes. Hmm maybe one day I'll actually do a recorded commentary on parts of the game. When I have time of course.

Hint for the next blog. It's going to be about a game where nothing dies except turnips. Even then they just rot.