Skyrim, the Anti-Hero ways of a Bosmer Mage

It's finally here audience! That's right, my third, and most likely final, post on Skyrim. As promised, this one is themed around those magical folk in robes, the mages. There is a slight change, however.

In my last Skyrim post which featured Thor, my warrior, I promised a blog on Loki my dark elf mage...how to put this...Loki is dead...well, deleted. Senor Horny accidentally erased him many eons ago...Senor Horny the Argonian, who has as the most amount of horns possible, is something my brother created...even though I'm the one who accidentally deleted Loki...so yeah, no more Loki. Instead, I give you my Bosmer, wood elf/feykrosefahliil, mage who does what he wants, Mal-Zeno.

Oh, one more thing before we venture forth. That bold italicized green text above, that's the dragon speak, or tinvaaksedovah or dovah tinvaak or dovah thu'um or thu'umsedovah; the wording all really depends on how formal or casual you want to be. The dragon tongue is here for two reasons; first, I'm somehow more in love with Skyrim than before and this is my way of showing it. Second, zu'u dreh fos zu'u laan. Here is the hyperlink to the translator for any curious minds. Aight, let's go!

So you decided to be a mage eh? Will you be sneaky and hide behind mind tricks? Will you be bold and blast your enemies to pieces? Will you summon creatures whilst shielding yourself in battle? Only you know what type of mage you are. Regardless, your path will be somewhat challenging dear Dragonborn. You will need a lot of patience when it comes to developing your skills and a large supply of potions. At times it seems as though you are the weakest of the lot. But, then you discover runes, atronachs, enchanted armor, staffs, and the Black Star. You realize that no, you are not the weakest. Instead, you are the most badass of all because you can call upon the forces of Oblivion to destroy your enemies and empower your peers with a flick of the finger. Plus Destruction magic is awesome!!! Shall we bullet dear audience?

• Robes are for Alteration lovers, zero armor rating
• Fortify is your keyword
• Enchanting and alchemy skills, no ifs, ands, or buts.
• Illusion is a worthy perk tree
• All magic schools can be farmed
• Duel casting Destruction, enough said
• Conjuration, difficult but rewarding
• Magicka regeneration, magicka regeneration, magicka regeneration
• Restoration skills, get em
• Black star, get it
• Weapons with soul trap, make em

My, that is a rather bossy bullet list, isn't it? Haha, well I suppose I am here to tell you how to become a successful mage audience. Still, sorry for the bossiness. Now where to begin...hmmm...how about the College of Winterhold? Yes, that seems suitable.

Before we continue, if this is your first time being a mage, it is highly recommended that you choose either the High Elf (Altmer) or Breton race for your character. Both are magic strong races. They will give you an edge.

The College of Winterhold is the infamous mage college in Skyrim. It sits on a very steep cliff in what is left of Winterhold. No doubt, as you play through the first bits of the game, you will hear tales of the "Great Collapse"; it was a "natural" disaster that sacked the city of Winterhold by the Ghost Sea.

Rather cozy school, isn't it?

Somehow, the college remained completely intact. Many NPCs believe that the college is responsible for the disaster. I think a Daedric Prince become pissed off is all. The college would've protected itself due to the archive of knowledge in the massive library. As for the rest of the city, kind of screwed. That's my spin anyhow. You never really learn what happens, adds to the mystery of the event.

Anyhow, the CoW is where you can begin to expand your learnings as a mage. They have master level wizards, except Restoration, that trainer is in the temple in Whiterun, who can teach you spells and level your skills in all types of magic. Ah yes, there are five schools of magic audience; Restoration, Illusion, Conjuration, Alteration, and Destruction. Hmm, lemme bullet those too.

• Restoration, the study of healing and magical defense wards 
• Illusion, the science of the mind which bends others' will to your own. Plus invisibility.
• Conjuration, the skill of Oblivion and the ability to bring forth atronachs and weapons from beyond to assist you in combat
• Alteration, the magic of the physical world that gives its user the ability to morph ore and to protect with armor spells
• Destruction, KABOOM! You have just been inferno-ed bitch.

Now at the college, you of course have a main questline which, in my opinion, is very strange. I enjoyed it for what it was worth but I definitely prefer the Thieves Guild, Dark Brotherhood and Companion quests. Oh, that's another thing, the Dark Brotherhood. Yes, since Mal-Zeno is a bit of a bad boy, we will be touching upon that path later. 

J'zargo is warmed by your presence

Right, the college has three potential followers for you to use. They are your fellow mage students, J'zargo, Onmund, and Brelyna, and are quite useful. They can accompany you on your quests and provide extra storage space for when your pockets become too full. They do not teach you any magic unfortunately, but they each favor a discipline of Destruction as well as Conjuration. My favorite is J'zargo the Khajiit because his voice and sayings are fantastic. 

In order to gain the trust of your peers, you must do special quests for them. These quests only become available after the first main quest in the college is complete. The quests are easy, but Brelyna's quest is hilarious and the most simple to complete. Seriously, you have to check that one out.

Before we attack magic training, I think I should explain a few bullets. Duel casting, for starters, is when you have the same spell equipped in both hands. Each skill tree in magic has a duel casting perk that causes extra damage or longer duration. Destruction is, in my opinion, the most beneficial since your enemies go KABOOM faster. 

Warning: Master level spells are all duel casting. They are technically the most powerful spells but take the longest to cast. This can be bothersome in a battle since enemies frequently interrupt you via melee attacks. Time or power, your choice audience.

I also mentioned enchanting and alchemy. These two skills are useful for just about everybody, but mages gain a lot from strong fortifying enchantments and potions. Armor can be enchanted to fortify, or enhance, your magicka regeneration to your Destruction damage to your sneaking prowess. Potions do the same but for a duration of time. Creating magicka and health replenishing potions with fortifying effects is an asset to being a mage. Hey, you run out of magicka easily in battle and often need a health boost in between spells. Way of the mage.

Shrine of Azura. Pain in the ass to reach.

Another point is the Black Star and soul trapping in general. All magical weapons require the recharge of soul gems after a while; unfortunately, soul gems can be difficult to obtain and fill in the beginning. The best option is to acquire the Black Star from the Azura's Star quest; this is a corrupted version of the reusable soul gem, Azura's Star, that absorbs black souls. Black souls charge as grand souls and come from any human enemy, think bandits and necromancers. Find a weapon that can trap souls, often they are daggers looted from crypts, destroy it, and forge a soul trapping bow. Just shoot a bandit, Black Star is filled. Easy and affordable.

Moving onto leveling/using your disciplines of magic. Now, I did warn you that being mage takes patience audience. It does. A lot of it. You will have to farm some, if not all, of these abilities. Fortunately, the farming ways level everything up in a timely manner, except Alteration. Alteration is a bitch.

Quick Tip: Although your mage may be "focused" on certain schools of magic, having strong Illusion, Restoration and Alteration is advantageous for every kind of wizard. All three have useful perks; Quiet Casting for stealthy spells, faster magicka regeneration with Recovery, and better magicka defense via Magic Resistance respectfully. 

Various tomes of the schools

Leveling up your magic skills! I say we start with Alteration since it is the bitch of the group, allows us to move on to the easy stuff. 

Right-o, in general, when farming magic schools, you want to use low level spells repeatedly. This allows the skill to build up continuously without depleting large amounts of magicka. However, Alteration is not that easy; one of the schools has to be the thorn on the rose. The best way I've leveled Alteration is through trainers and the spell Transmute, the Midas themed spell. Transmute is useful for your finances since it makes gold out of iron ore; you can acquire the spell tome after completing the Treva's Tower quest in the Rift. Seriously, how can anyone deny that spell? Trainers, think CoW services, do cost money but they can be used up to five times per level; use them each level to maximize your leveling process overall, if you have the coin that is. 

Other options include Magelight, a low level spell that can be farmed though it takes time. In the beginning, Magelight provides decent leveling but this plateaus rather quickly. You can use the various "flesh" spells, they give you magical armor, however, they only help to level you in battle, in other words when you're being hurt. The best use of the Ironflesh/Oakflesh/Ebonyflesh spells is to purposely damage yourself, with little to no armor, while recasting them every so often; fires, spike traps, or the winds of The Throat of the World will do the trick. In fact, if you're patient enough, you can level Restoration at the same time.

Quick Tip: You will probably use the Mage Stone, mage skills increase 20% faster, throughout the game. Although, it should be noted that the Lord and Apprentice Standing Stones are catered more to those with magic defense skills. Lord Stone, gives extra armor rating and protection against magic. Apprentice Stone, greatly increases magicka regeneration at the cost of making you more susceptible to magicka damage. Both are located near Markarth. If you are a strong Alteration user, consider switching stones. 

Break out the robes!

Restoration, how I love and loath you. Being the school of healing, Restoration has a large advantage in and out of battle. In fact, one of my favorite perks is available in this tree, Respite; all Restoration spells heal both health and stamina, so sweet! Leveling Restoration can be tricky since you need to be injured for the spells to heal you. You can organically do so by healing yourself in and out of battle and using wards to protect yourself from magical attacks. Or you can farm the skill by purposely injuring yourself. As previously stated, this goes well with Alteration farming. Start off with the basic Healing spell and work up to higher level tomes, such as Close Wounds. Learned Restoration guarantees another day of adventuring. Healing your allies doesn't hurt either. So puny!

Warning: The spells I suggest to you do in fact level your character. You are free to experiment but know that not all spells level the magical schools. Some, such as Clairvoyance, Detect Life, and Telekinesis are just for show. 

Ahem, let's focus now upon Destruction magic. Ah, this is my second favorite school. I mean, fire balls, ice spikes, and lightning all at your fingertips. Plus, magical runes! Runes are traps that damage enemies when walked upon. Don't worry, you can't trigger your own runes audiences. The use of runes is more of a sneaky way of magic, great for those who hide in the shadows and watch their enemies be set ablaze. They are also a good way to level organically because man, does Destruction take awhile to become effective! I highly recommend sticking to one type of Destruction in the perk tree while you level your skills; this ensures one strong element that can kill enemies efficiently rather than an array of spells that don't do much but use up magicka. Fire is the beginner element for two reasons; firstly, it sets your enemies on fire dealing extra damage. Secondly, most creatures in Skyrim are frost resistant, think Nords, trolls, Draugr and vampires, but are susceptible to fire. Once you've perked your way up the fire limb, you can move on to strengthening ice and shock damage. The higher level Destruction spells are quite amazing and fun to use audience. It's a very rewarding type of magic. 

Right, leveling Destruction effectively. Became a bit carried away there didn't I? Personally I just conjured up an atronach and killed it with firebolts or ice spikes. Leveled my Destruction right up. Seriously, like within forty minutes level 100. Speaking of atronachs...

Conjuration! It is the summoning school and somewhat forbidden arts since it draws power from the Daedra world of Oblivion. The best way to level this discipline is not by conjuring. Yeah, you heard me right. You could sit back, bring forth the fire atronach from the depths of Oblivion, and watch it fight until you need to summon it again. Merely conjuring the atronach does nothing for your level unless you're in battle. Summon, hide, watch, repeat. Or, you can cast Soul Trap on a dead chicken. Yes, you can Soul Trap a dead body repeatedly until you are at level 100. It doesn't take as long as you might think and yes, I used a chicken. The college didn't seem to mind one bit.

That brings us to Illusion, the last, easiest, and my favorite school of magic. What can I say? I love becoming invisible! Yes, now Illusion has a spell called Muffle which doesn't use up too much magic but levels like crazy. Seriously, the first fifty levels can be gained one after the other in no time at all; Muffle, level thirty, Muffle Muffle, level thirty-one, and so on. In under half an hour, I had Illusion maxed out. I even made the skill legendary and leveled it back to 100, while running around Whiterun, just for perksies. It's the school that you give the most and gives back the most. Invisibility, all thanks to Muffle, seriously awesome! Plus, Calm, Fear, and other mind bending spells. Still, invisible. 

That is how to level your mage skills in a nice orderly summary. Ha, let us discuss what you can do with some of these skills, namely Illusion since it is often overlooked. Mind control gives you an advantage over your enemies both in and out of battle. Being unseen is not only fun for pick-pocketing NPCs, but is great for stabbing them in the back before looting their bodies. Oh yes, it's become dark in here audience. Dark Brotherhood dark.

The Black Door, security system included.

Though I am an all-around mage as Mal-Zeno, I enjoy being sneaky and stealthy so much audience that I couldn't resist making my Bosmer an assassin too. The Dark Brotherhood is the "guild" of assassins, headquartered near Falkreath in a sanctuary, that assigns my second favorite questline in Skyrim; Theives Guild is always number one. It also has the most annoying character in Skyrim, Cicero. 

In order to join the Dark Brotherhood, you must kill the proprietor of the orphanage in Riften. After, of course, receiving the quest from a brooding child in Windhelm. Trust me, talk to the guards a bit, they'll tell you bout the little weirdo hiding in his house. Do this and you'll be visited soon, after you nap even.

Now, I'm not going to give away the quests or spoils of the Dark Brotherhood, what fun would that be? I mean, yes, they center around you killing people for money, bit obvious there. But the fantastic details of the main questline are too great to tell you. Audience, experience them for yourself. You shall not be bored. Rather than go into that, let's bring up Cicero again.

Cicero, dear sweet mad annoying as fuck Cicero. He's an assassin dressed as jester, whom you are able to encounter outside of the sanctuary prior to joining; he's often found near a broken carriage in Whiterun going on about his mother. Cicero loves to dance, giggle, talk about killing, discuss madness, and sing, all in a high pitched grating voice. He giggles when you touch him. Again, he giggles. Can you believe I didn't kill him? You have the choice to do so, eventually, but I spared him since I haven't done so before; I always killed him. The only useful thing about him is he is an non-killable follower if you decide to let him live. I still want to punch him in the face constantly. Often I indulge my instincts. He's also useful for Restoration and Destruction training. Hit him with some firebolts and then heal him. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Enough about Cicero. Let's move onto Solstheim, we have a bit of time left before this post becomes a novel. Solstheim is an island off of Skyrim that is close to Morrowind, the Dunmer/Dark Elf province of Tamriel. It is covered in ash, ice, and only accessible through the DLC Dragonborn. 

Rustically charming with extra ash!

In Windhelm, there is a boat that will take you to Solstheim. Upon arriving in the port of Raven Rock, you realize that Solsthiem is in dire need of your help. There's a douche named Miraak, a dragon priest in fact, wrecking havoc on the island. He's trying to take over by leading a cult and all that. So original of him. You need to stop him, of course. You are the only one who can stop him, yup. Everyone will criticize you while you save their sorry asses, typical. Miraak does ask for an ass whooping, cause, again, he's a douche, so the questline of thwarting him is satisfying. Besides that, there's an issue with the mine, the Daedric Prince Hermaeus Mora is on the prowl, the Skaal people are disappearing, and there's treasure to be found! Seriously, the treasure hunt is so much fun! No digging required either. The other stuff, well they involved an old pickaxe and some black books, I won't spoil the fun of it all. Though careful with the books, the "librarians" are touchy about their collections.

Oh! Solstheim, this mysterious DLC that I will not spoil, has a very useful tool for the discerning mage, the staff enchanter. That's right audience, you can enchant staffs again just like in Oblivion! No spell maker or chameleon powers though, damn. Anyways, if you befriend the local wizard Neloth by finding him a new steward, he allows you to use his staff enchanter. You will need a plain staff, he sells them, a few heart stones, a unique rock that can be mined in Solstheim, and a knowledge of magic. The more spells and experience you have. the stronger the staff can be. I love staffs since they allow you to use magic in battle without spending magicka...oh...allow me to highlight that fact...

Quick Tip: Staffs use soul gem recharge instead of magicka. This allows your magicka to regenerate in battle but still uses your strengths in magic; the higher your skill in Destruction fire spells the stronger the fire staffs. Recharge them like any other enchanted weapon.

Wow. This is a long post. I think I'll finish it with a word about Netches. Harvesting Netch jelly is just plain mean! I mean, c'mon, the Netches just float around and don't harm anyone. In fact, they are so peaceful and cute. Screw you Raven Rock for your cruel ways. Ash Spawn are ten times worse but no one wants to harvest them, oh no, just the peaceful native wildlife instead. Netch lover for life! Solstheim is a strange island with plenty of quests to try and enemies to slaughter, just leave the Netches alone.

Save the whales and the Netches!

And that concludes this post. Yup, it's over. I truly believe that I covered everything to enable a strong start in the magical world. I hope you've enjoyed learning about the path of mage audience, Mal-Zeno style. A special thanks to my father for contributing his ideas to this post; you're the most experienced and best wizard I know Dad. Happy casting and mul lah grah Dovahkiin! 

A Jumpy Halloween Spooktacular

Dear sweet audience, it has been some time since I've posted a blog here on some pixel dust. I apologize for the delay. However, I have a neat treat for you today. Since it is Halloween tomorrow, and the fact that I have been obsessed with Halloween since birth, I decided I should write about a scary game, a game of a spooks and jump scares.

Alright, now as many of you know I'm on Steam and have been for a long time. I try to avoid the Steam sale madness, buying too many games is very very tempting, but enjoy the fact that I can download games from my library to any of my computers without too much trouble. I also borrow from my dad's library from time to time. Steam, if you could do something for me, stop applying so many useless updates if you're never going to fix the bugs in your audio chat rooms. Three times is always the charm with calls.

Anyways, right, so I found this game on Steam, Spooky's House of Jump Scares. It was recommended to me because of my history with Five Night's at Freddie's. It is a jump scare styled game. It is also a game, like Maplestory, that my lil laptop Rikki can handle. Seriously it's less than a GB, around 250 MB I believe; translation, go download it audience. Now, bullet points, in orange:

• Simple controls, no controller necessary
• It's FREE
• Small game that won't use a lot of RAM or take up much memory
• Scares the crap out of you 
• Has a cute lil mascot named Spooky
• Is built on the Minecraft engine, but changes appearance...
• So much fun if you love to scare yourself, like me!
• You may need extra pants, or someone else on the phone for comfort
• Green blobs...

So the game, it is easy to play. The goal is to navigate through all 1,000 rooms in Spooky's mansion. That sounds very daunting but the rooms tend to zip by. The check points are every fifty levels; this is where you can save your progress. You have a health bar that regenerates over time, very slowly. You also have a stamina bar that depletes itself every time you sprint. That damn stamina bar doesn't refill fast enough. I need to run damnit! No room is safe damnit!

Aw, they're so cute! Lil stumps and pumpkins.

At first, the game seems really boring and kind of cute. The "monsters" that scare you are cardboard cut outs that pop out of the wall. However, even those become uncomfortable after awhile. While their appearance might be cute, the sound effects accompanying them are not; glass breaking, piano keys, screeching, all of these are lovely sounds these card board spooks make. 

Oh yes, an interesting fact about this game, it is different each time you play and different for every player. How do I know this? First off, the game description page on Steam states this fact. Second, my brother and I were on Steam chat while we both were playing through this game. I had found rooms he had never seen. Pete found notes that I encountered later or not at all. Even some of the monsters like, oh yeah, let's allow those to be a surprise. Sure, some levels are milestones in the game which activate monster events aka things that chase you. One level is 165. I'm not telling you what's there. You'll have to find out.

So far, I've made it to 300. I've died a couple of times. I've screamed plenty of times. With this game, and jump scare styled titles, I find it more fun to play while interacting with others. Not only does it give you some assurance, hey, fear is powerful, but also allows you to laugh at their screams as well as your own. It's a game; it's meant to be fun, so have fun. 

Audience, I did mention that the rooms, change as you progress, correct? They become more disturbing. The graphics become very disturbing. My advice is, play, avoid the blobs. and push through the red walls. And be careful where you shine your flashlight. 

Before we part, how about a little spooky fact about myself? Ok, it's not actually spooky. More so it's addressing the "relationship" status in my "About Me" section. I have been dealing with this question for years; in fact, since I was twenty-one people have asked me whom I was seeing due to his "gift". Well no more. I've answered truthfully and people just stared. It was a good way to weed out those who shared none of my interests but enough is enough. 

I am surprised that many of you haven't figured it out. I mean, I mention him; I related my character Thor in Skyrim to him; I wear his jewelry every day. I belong with Sauron. It's his ring around my neck. My parents bestowed that gift to me when I was twenty-one. They felt I needed a serious commitment. Now, I'm his ring bearer, forever.

Haha, Disappointed? Too bad. Happy Halloween!

Also a big shot out to my Best Friend Forever Fa Fa, Timmy. Happy Birthday TJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See what I did there? Twenty-four exclamation points.

DeathSpank, oh wise cow

It is time for a post! Although my last post had a picture of Foxy, I will not be writing a Five Nights at Freddie's article until October since that is when the last installment of the series is going to be released. I really love Foxy is all, such a weird animatronic. So...that means it's time for DeathSpank, hero to the downtrodden, defender of justice, and eater of bacon.

A question on your mind audience might be who, or what, is DeathSpank? Well DS is the main character and hero of the game series DeathSpank. I will only be covering the first of the series in this post since the second game (I have not yet played the third) requires its own posting glory. I have a few bullets that sum both him and the game up rather nicely.

• DeathSpank is a downloadable game from the Playstation Network as well as Steam for PC; honestly use a controller for whichever you choose.
• You will face great terrors such as unicorns, greems, and undead chickens
• Finding all the lost orphans is a wondrous and long quest
• Sandy is a turd
• Money is never an issue
• The enchanted forest is beyond trippy without the use of narcotics
• DeathSpank talks, his voice is magical and hilarious
• The game is about ten hours long, for completion
• Crossbows seem useless at first, but are very VERY necessary
• Spin attacking enemies is probably the best Justice weapon
• Justice meter, awesome
• Customize-able controls, seriously you choose what button does what
• Food!
• "Get in the bag future criminal"

Alrighty, that was a very informative bullet list. Let's skip the formalities from now on and dive into the meaty bits of the game. First off as often, characters. Starting character, the man of the hour, DeathSpank.

The hero to the downtrodden and vanquisher of evil

As you start the game you, the player, are introduced to an epic opening of DS lore. His mission is to find an important artifact, known only as The Artifact, in order to become the hero he was destined to be. 

Of course, since this is an RPG, finding The Artifact is not DeathSpank's only mission; you have many a quest to do audience. Honestly though, most tedious quests can be skipped. I never skip anything if I can help it, I like complete files, but the Greem mating stones and the Thongoliths are not necessary to beat the game so to speak.

Right, back to DS. DeathSpank is a fantastic character solely on his personality. He is a heroic hero who speaks heroically at all times no matter the situation of heroics. He is fashionable in his purple vest, thong, and mask, and is never hesitant to layer on extra armor of awesomeness. He shoots before he thinks; in fact he does a lot before thinking. Thoughts weigh a hero down with guilt, reasoning, and questions. Why bother with any of those. After all he is DeathSpank!

Quick Tip: This game has the option to be played with two players. The second player is a wizard friend of Deathspank's, Sparkles. He looks like Tom Kenny in a pointy hat and starry robe. Sparkles is a great addition for first timers since he can heal DeathSpank as well as send out various elemental spells.

There are several other characters in the game besides DS, the NPCs, but I don't want to reveal too much about them. The claustrophobic spelunker with a million other phobias is my favorite NPC, just wait until you meet him dear audience.  Encountering and interacting with the various NPCs really adds to the game audience, therefore I don't want to reveal anything that might ruin that experience. Normally I mention more but again, with this game character interaction is a good chunk of the fun. Dialogue.

I will talk about Sandy once more though; she is a serious turd.

The turd

Sandy is the logical NPC who is not about fun and games. No, she takes hero-ing waaaaay too seriously. She tends to point out the obvious in the game which is odd because the player can do so on their own. Is rescuing orphans a good thing? Yes. Is shoving them in a sack a good thing? Probably not. Sandy points out details and scolds DeathSpank on his silliness. There was no need for her to be in the game at all. That would be my only complaint, shitty character Sandy.

Moving on then, so beyond the NPCs and DeathSpank, the characters of the game are the enemies. Do you love silly enemies audience? Great! So do I! DS is full of wacky enemies that make you laugh while you slaughter them. The Greems are gremlin-like creatures that you will find all over the map of the DS world. They are those run-of-the-mill everywhere enemies that are stronger in more difficult areas. Vicious chickens are your first enemies. Killing them is not only hilarious because they are chickens, come on Cucco haters you know you want to, but they drop food. Well, the vicious ones drop lips and the Stoopid ones drop food. Chickens have lips audience, how else could they whistle? Anyways, certain enemies drop food which replenishes your health over time.

Warning: So long as you are not hit during the duration of healing, the food will heal you. One hit and the process stops. For full quick healing try potions.

Chickens, the Stoopid ones, drop chicken legs otherwise known as the first food item that you will encounter. The more levels you climb and the more areas you explore the more food options you will have. More, more, more! Other creatures, well they drop things like french fries, corn dogs, and milkshakes for no apparent reason other than that junk food is delicious.

My favorite enemy, really enemies, well it's a tie between the Giant Turtles and the Gingerbread Warriors. The Giant Turtles are at Turtle Lake and you must collect their gonads for a certain quest. Honestly I really love turtles so this should not be a surprise. The Gingerbread Warriors are annoying little fuckers that are pleasure to slaughter. They giggle and ambush you in the Enchanted Forest all the time. They are one of the only creatures that will constantly respawn in an area that you are in and have recently cleared. Just die little gingerbread men; don't think I'm fast enough? Run, run as fast as you can, oh wait! You died at the hands of my crossbow.

Ah, the mention of the crossbow makes a great transition into the weapons topic. Being an RPG, there is a huge amount of weapon selection in DS. You have your regular weapons, Justice weapons, spells, and summons. The spells are cool because they rain elemental powers down upon the earth which can smite a large cluster of enemies when you are in a pinch. However, they are not to be relied upon because some enemies, undead ones, do not take damage to anything except certain weapons. Undead weapons kill undead enemies, for example. Poison hurts the living, fire hurts poison, ice hurts fire, etc.

Justice in Action

DeathSpank can have four weapons equipped at a time giving a decent amount of choice on how you want to play the game. Spells can have a maximum of five uses before they disappear; the same for summons. The summons bring forth groups of enemies that will fight for you for a certain amount of time. The weapons, both regular and Justice do not disappear unless you sell them. By the way, no need to find a shop keeper to sell your items; DS has a recycling machine on hand at all times that enables him to "recycle" any weapons or items that he picks up in exchange for gold. This is why money is never an issue.

Quick Tip: It is smart to have regular and Justice weapons in your arsenal as well as a variety of elements in order to take on the wide diversity of enemies. Having range, crossbows, as well as close combat gives DeathSpank the best advantage. Think carefully about which weapons you throw away.

The difference between regular and Justice weapons is simple; regular weapons have a set damage that they give while Justice weapons do a lot of damage once the Justice bar is filled and used but don't do much after Justice is spent. The way you build up Justice is by using Justice weapons back to back. Also, crossbows tend to be very weak in this game, even with elemental bolts, and seem useless. However, they are useful when you need to do distance attacks. Have one on hand during the Haunted Forest area; there are skeleton enemies that will suicide bomb you if you don't shoot their red glowing graves first. My weapon setup is often two Justice weapons equipped along with two regular weapons. That way when I need some Justice, usually when a large swarm of enemies attacks, I can quickly power up the Justice bar by alternatively using my two Justice weapons which causes the Justice count to multiple making the process faster. Then, once the bar is empty, I still have strong weapons with my regular weapons since their damage count stays at a constant. If I need a crossbow, I can just hop into my items menu and equip it, easy peasy. Basically do what you want and have fun with it.

Warning: The Justice bar will stop filling up and the Justice count will stop multiplying if you use any weapon other than a Justice Weapon. That being said, if the bar is full, the next Justice weapon you use will activate and therefore empty it. There is some strategy to this game.

Besides weapons, there are cool areas to explore and armor sets to collect. I'm not going to talk in too much detail about either because experiencing them without any major clues or ideas helps to make this game. The art style and creative take on a fictional magical place makes the game that much more interesting and ridiculous. I will say this, Enchanted Forest is super trippy (again) and the Monastery is a place of evil. Also armor sets are so much fun to complete! Armor and weapons are often rewards for quests, namely sidequests, which gives extra incentive to finish the game completely. Otherwise, you'd have to buy all of the missing pieces. Lame!

Oh. I almost forgot to mention something super important, death. Well lives, in video game terms.

So DeathSpank does not have any lives, so to speak. He instead has outhouses. When you die in DS you are teleported to the last outhouse that you activated. You also drop some gold which can be reclaimed if you are quick enough, just run over there you'll make it; none of the bullshit of Sonic and his rings. The outhouses are more than respawn points however; they act as fast travels as well. The more outhouses you find, the faster you can move around the map. Just bring up your map menu and click on the outhouse you want in order to teleport to that area. That will then be your last activated outhouse unless you pass another in the area. The "out of order" outhouses are the only ones that won't let you fast travel, they are only respawn points.

That is DeathSpank in a nutshell. Most enemies can be slaughtered with button mashing, but some require long range, elements, or hit then run away. It is a game that is fun to explore and complete all with fantastic dialogue to boot. I hope you enjoyed this post audience but I hope that you will play and enjoy the game far more. Oh music, yeah it's pretty good. The main theme is best though. Till we meet again in cyberspace!

Intermission (As a Grad)

Don't worry. I'm going to be back soon. Within the week in fact. There's something I need to show you first; it actually has nothing to do with the next post which will not be pokémon (sorry). It's just something, I rather like and find...interesting.

Was it me?

Foxy I really hope so. Seriously, check out those chompers. Frontal lobe, no problem. See you soon audience!

P.S. The next post will be on the hero of the downtrodden and bacon.