Skyrim, how to be a thief and not die in every dungeon

I'd like to say that this video is random and has nothing to do with anything. I was just REALLY bored.

Loading up the big guns now audience. It is time for the massive RPG known as Skyrim, the fifth Elder Scrolls installment. Some of you (all of you who are Elder Scrolls fans) should be familiar with the titles of Morrowind and Oblivion as these two games are the predecessors of Skyrim. Why I brought them up was to give all of you fellow Elder Scrolls fans a chance to skip down to the bullet points since this next paragraph is going to give a brief overview of what the hell Elder Scrolls is...or is it are? In any case feel free to skip, I promise your monitor will not detonate.

Aighty aight, let's begin with the overview of Elder Scrolls in general. The Elder Scrolls series follows the fictional world of Tamriel which finds itself in various wars, political uprisings, at the mercy of daedra lords (basically demi-gods who cause trouble but give stellar weapons and armor) and even betwixt guild rivalries. Essentially this world is a magical version of our own which is set in a medieval-ish era. Areas that enhance the series include the race differences (both visual and spiritual) and prejudices which contribute undoubtedly to the various wars. Personally the Imperials can go fuck themselves a thousand times over for the amount of annoying shit they do throughout Tamriel. Imperial scum eh? Die die die die die!

Nothing like slaughtering the guards in the Imperial City to make a thief feel badass. Unfortunately that takes place in Oblivion not Skyrim since Oblivion is set in Cyrodiil and Skyrim is set in, well Skyrim. Oh yeah, my whole point of bringing up the Imperial douchers was to give insight into what the hell is going on in Skyrim. There are two "main" quests of sorts that occur in the cold Nordic land of Skyrim; the first is the civil war between Ulfric Stormcloak (rebels) and the Imperial Army who have invaded and swayed many of the Jarls (similar to noblemen or dukes who rule over a region) to stand against Ulfric as they push their own government onto the Nords. Yeah, sounds like the story of every country who's ever taken over any other land. Basically I'm for the Nords since they are badass and live in cold ass conditions and the rude-as-all-hell Imperials are with the Thalmor "biggest pricks in the history of Tamriel" Embassy. Heh, I'm a prejudice chick with a sailor's mouth.

Here me roar Dragonborn!

The second big story line in Skyrim is the battle against the dragons. After centuries of peace the dragons have started to reappear. This blame can be cast at Oblivion when the oblivion gates were opened all over Cyrodiil which connected the mortal world to the dark and weird as shit Daedra world. Dark magic unleashed equals scary giant dragons appearing. So the dragons are back and you lone prisoner (you start off as a prisoner in essentially every game) are a Dragonborn; you have the ability to befriend and nurture dragons so that dragons and people can coexist in a viking town which was once plagued with dragon fire. Or at least that's what you are hoping for audience. Instead you slay dragons, absorb their souls, and learn various "shouts" in order to take down the species. Little more slaughter little less Hiccup and Toothless.

So that is audience the basic overview of Elder Scrolls (the elder scrolls are a form magical sacred literature which show either past or future when read by moth priests who live in a very secretive order which is hard to infiltrate) and Skyrim. Trust me it was basic. If you seek more info the Elder Scrolls Wiki is fantastic for becoming lost and absorbed in for hours. Time for bullets!

The Bullets are Here!!! Right Here!!! 
Lez go:

• You are a prisoner bound by hand on your merry to be executed by Imperials Douchers.
• There are different types of Standing Stones which when chosen will aid your progress
• The three main choices of hero are Mage, Warrior, and Thief. Guess which one we'll talk about?
• Riften is the city of thieves where the Thieves' Guild is located
• Archery skills are your best friends
• Fuck Dwemer caverns, they are scary. 
• Money is important at first though quickly diminishes into being a second thought once you are above level twenty-five
• Brynjolf, you are the hottest NPC in all of Skyrim.
• Nocturnal is a pretty sweet Daedra to worship.

Alright let's start near the beginning of the game (as always I spoil shit along the way so be warned) where you decide which standing stone to be blessed with. You've chosen wisely for you have not chosen the snake (that stone is way the fuck in the middle of nowhere anyhow) and have decided upon the thief. VERY good choice. Thievery is fun in some of the best ways.

You now will level up thief skills far faster than any others. Such skills include archery, sneak, pickpocket, and lock-picking. Now I suggest you level up to at least level ten until you join the thieve's guild. Why you ask? Well dear audience you suck ass in the beginning with low as shit skills. Try the first mission and get killed if you are much lower than level ten. In fact you probably won't even be able to get into the guild. You need to prove yourself as a thief, Brynjolf doesn't take just any loser. Too risky.

Thirsty so thirsty for Brynjolf

Brynjolf, there's a name to make you shiver in the best ways. Brynjolf is a high ranking thief whom you can meet near the market place of Riften. He asks you a few questions and gives you and opportunity to join the guild. Make sure you have some good sneak skills because you'll have to steal from a stronghold box in public. It's not too bad but again near the beginning everything is more difficult. 

Of all the thief skills the most important to level up are Sneak and Archery, not Lock-picking. Let's be honest, the first node in that skill tree is all that is "required" for a very very long time. Lock picks are very abundant as are arrows in Skyrim so even if you break fifty on one lock it's not a big deal. With pick-pocketing it is useful to level up but do so later. Sneak and Archery are great combat skills and in being a thief you need to have excellent combat strategy. Thieves are not strong like warriors and are not adept in defense like mages so strategy and shadows are what need to focused upon the most. When Sneak becomes strong enough your attack damage multiplies like crazy. Master thieves can damage enemies with a fifteen multiplier on their attacks. That's a hell of a lot of damage along with strong archery. Remember, Sneak and Archery. 

Typical Thief Garb

Another skill very necessary for thieving is Alchemy. This skill is useful for everyone and as a thief you can protect yourself well with high Alchemy. Invisible potions exist in Skyrim as do strong healing and stamina potions. Have a high Alchemy level and befriend your local alchemist to benefit from the rewards of potent potions as well as toxic poisons for your arrows.

Speaking of stamina, every time you level up you have a choice between increasing health, magic, or stamina. As a thief stamina is your friend. Archery benefits greatly from how long you can keep your bow drawn to slowing time itself with a large stamina bar at its disposal. Running away is another asset for a thief. It sounds cowardly but unlike the warrior thieves do not take damage well. Keep your stamina strong and from time to time, perhaps every three levels, increase your health as well.

Now, how to survive in dungeons as a thief. So you have your skills set in order, your stamina is decent, and you have plenty of arrows on hand for combat. Let's go into a dungeon/cave!

What you will find in dungeons:

• Most likely draugr, the friendliest zombies in Tamriel. So long as they sleep they won't shout. If they shout, well try running or hiding somewhere. The shouting hurts a lot.
• Possibly Dwemer ruins. These places are freaky as fuck! The Dwarves decided to leave a few toys behind to play with you. They are rough playmates.
• Fuzzy animals and spiders crawl around in caves frequently. Don't underestimate bears, they can be a bitch to kill. Frostbite spiders are more annoying than dangerous. Just shoot and kill with fire.
• At times bandits. Bandits aren't too bad to deal with. They can be large in numbers but are shit when it comes to magic and poison. Take em out one by one to see the others freak out.
• Necromancers appear in caves as well. These guys are annoying. Necromancers are dark mages who perform dark magic such as illusion and conjuration. Quick lil tip, when you kill a necromancer steal the clothes from the body. That way when they resurrect the dead necromancer you can dispatch the real ones rather than wasting arrows on the zombie.
• Vampires. Often found in huts there are some occasions where you will run into these bloodsuckers underground. They hate fire. Don't be too afraid, there is a cure for vampirism so if you're bitten no biggie.
• Last and my favorite, the Falmer. Theses lil cuties are deformed descendants of snow elves who lost their sight to the Dwarves and became twisted under subterranean slavery. Their hearing skills are unmatched and they will kill without mercy. Their armor is pretty rad too.

Those lovely Falmer are creatures you don't want to face right away. Yes they will be weaker but yes they also travel in packs. They live underground after all and you're the invader in their little subterranean paradise of tents and domesticated chaurus. If I were them I'd hiss and kill you too.

Aw, he just wants a hug and some eyes

The point of that previous paragraph was to extend my further love for Falmer. It also was to point out that a Falmer cave (aka a Dwemer ruin since that's where Falmer typically live) is not the best starting point for a thief. Same goes for vampires and necromancers; they are nasty in the beginning and you'll probably spend more time reloading your save file than leveling up. Instead find a bandit or draugr cave; both these species (draugr are not run-of-the-mill zombies) are easy to pick off at low levels and feature simple creatures to overcome. For instance bandit caves often have wild animals who are caged or lounging about. Kill the bears. Kill the tigers. Even (can't believe I'm typing this) kill the wolves. They are all experience points. 

Now how do you find these caves full of darkness to level up in? Well since you start nearish to Whiterun it is good to explore around there. Also ask people in town for quests and attempt any with caves. 

Quick Tip: Fuck the tree of Whiterun quest. Honestly do that quest after level ten because it is bitch with hippies and spriggons galore! Serious fuck that fucking tree and the damn priestess too! 

Exploring is a more adventurous way of leveling up but I suggest you gather a few quests as well. Remember, you are a thief and caves are your friends. Caves are dark. Save often anyways.

Beautiful yet dangerous

The biggest way to survive is to have everything ready before you enter a cave. The list goes as follows: poison, healing potions, arrows, healing spell, plenty of weight available, and lockpicks. 

Poisons won't work on the undead (draugr and vampires) but will hurt anything living with a heartbeat. Bandits are way easier to take down so stock up on basic venoms and poisons such as Frostbite Venom. Potions, I cannot stress enough that you are weak therefore you will die if you cannot heal yourself quickly. These babies are not to be used sparingly; if you are hurt drink up! Just make sure to not waste any once your health bar is full, don't be silly now audience. 

The weight is important since you will be collecting spoils along the way. If you become over encumbered you are fucked over. Sell any useless shit you have such as furs and Bandit clothing to the local merchants. Have room for newer (better) things. Fortunately arrows weigh nothing (same for gold and lockpicks) so stock up on iron arrows as much as you can. Eventually you'll switch to Elven but now you are basic as are your weapons. 

Heal spell is important and can be found at every temple I believe. In case you run out of potions or want to heal after deposing of everyone and not waste potions, the heal spell works nicely. Fortunately mana regenerates automatically over time so the spell can be used again without too much worry. 

Aight you have everything. Time to fight.

Fuck you died...Time to load your latest save file.

HUGE Tip: Save, save, save, save, save, save, save, save, enregistrer, save, save, save, SAVE, save, save. Don't rely on Auto-Save to keep you safe. These caves are fucking huge and you can die in any battle. Save before, save after, and even safe during while running away. Just save a lot.

An actual combat tip: Shooting people is fun. Shooting draugr is fun. Shooting everything with an arrow is fun. Make sure to get a feel for aiming the bow before killing lots of things. Practice on weak enemies in the forests (deer and foxes) and bigger targets in town (cows and horses). Make sure to shoot the chickens though. Damn blabbing fuckers. Seriously though, just become accustomed to the controls and suddenly firing long distance shots isn't so bad. If you level Sneak up high enough you can even assassinate by slicing people with daggers.

Well that's bout all I can tell you. Honestly if I were to go through everything even more you'd be here eternally. Don't worry, this won't be my last Skyrim blog. Obviously there is more to discuss besides how not to die as a thief.

A quick recap if you like: find shadows to conceal yourself in, use the thief stone to boost the speed of skills, go adventuring prepared, SAVE, practicing shooting on easier targets, take any quest, have fun being sneaky! It doesn't take long to enjoy the game as a darting devious thief of Skyrim. You may want to join the Thieve's Guild in Riften for thief specific quests. You get to meet Brynjolf if you do! Just saying it's awesome. So audience enjoy being a thief, I know I do.

P.S. My bff Kate's father sounds just like Delvin in the Thieve's Guild. Was really uncanny when I met Bob for the first time.

As per usual here is some music. Actually it's an artist I happen to like on Youtube and her version of the Dragonborn Comes from the opening title screen.